ONETWOTHREE!

» Sunday, March 11, 2012 / -11:22 AM

I remember a friend asking if I'm not paranoid of my long distance relationship.

So I told her that we just have to trust but now, I'm not too sure if I can say it with that much confidence. It's not like I don't trust him, I do with everything I have. I'm just reluctant to let my heart gets broken again as if I don't think it will be able to handle more stress. On top of that, with every passing day, he is becoming a more significant part of my life. If I put him that high up on my list of important people (I just realized I did this unconsciously), chances are that IF he does break my heart, another meltdown might occur.

Then again, I might just be numb.

Being in a long distance relationship has its pros and cons. Being a pretty optimistic pessimist, I shall begin with the cons in my relationship first. Then again, not all cons are that bad.

Cons:

The distance between you that prevents you from doing anything physical; just holding hands, kissing, hugging, especially when you've met each other once before.
The distance paired up with a tendency to be paranoid leads to possessiveness, especially when one is experiencing separation anxiety; or they got out of a pretty bad relationship recently. I'd go crazy if he talks to some girls and doesn't tell me about them but if he tells me who they are and a basic outline of what they're talking about, I'm fine.
Time spent apart and reduced amount of communication; when paired up with anxiety, things would not be pretty. We have a lot of arguments because of this.
Having someone who has the tendency to self-mutilate to cope with stress and are generally anxious of what would happen is very, very taxing; for both parties, at least that is true for me.
Whenever I miss him, it just hits hard. I have learned hopelessness that I can't go to where he is and I haven't tried asking for permission yet. I'll change that.

Pros:

The distance allows us to grow as a couple, as corny as that might sound. I think it's a challenge we need to face and overcome. As tough as it is/it may seem, we're getting stronger everyday. I think..?
With distance, comes greater freedom! We're basically free to do what we want, as long as we are faithful to each other and be mindful of what would hurt either one of us. I'm trying my best to keep up my end of promises and I hope he does too.
Absence makes the hearts grow fonder. I think it would be worth it when I finally see him again.
It makes you a better detective. Don't believe me? But trusting is nice too.
We learn how to compromise and deal with our differences. And I'm still trying to learn how to be patient. For now, money is an issue to both of us. So dear scientists, please make teleportation machines already!

Things to try to/not to do on my part:

Take up my own advice and live the moment. He's innocent until proven guilty. Yes, I have the tendency to think too much as well. Besides, he's not been out and I have not caught him doing anything wrong after that one time that he admitted his mistakes to. Even I lied to him before too.
Convince myself that I do not need a person to catch me when I fall. Falling is apart of life and it can be an enlightening experience, although it hurts and it may get lonely. Should it happen, my friends will be there to catch me.
Just relax.

Sometimes I wonder if I got my anxiety from mom.

It could be inherited or learned, according to the books, and maybe that's how I am who I am today? Anticipation is not a bad thing but when it jeopardizes your cognitive functions, making you BELIEVE that he will cheat is horrible. Not forgetting the uncomfortable feeling you will get. Yes, I still wish I have the ability to feel for myself what he feels.

But where's the fun in that?!

I just love how he can tease me, then be caring the next, just makes silly jokes to make me laugh and so on. It's like.. seeing one person in different angles and guessing his motives. Interesting but it's a dangerous game. These angles aren't always pretty. We have episodes where we would argue a lot and he would stop talking for days and I would be mad at him being such an asshole. At the same time, I would be dying to just make it all go away and talk to him again although it's sometimes his fault. Determination to stay mad for more than 3 hours, zero. I can't even make it past two hours. To rule out silly arguments, here's the list of our ground rules which we need to update soon.

Rule #1 : NO CHEATING no matter what.

Rule #2: Only ONE party talks at a time and must be calm.

Rule #3: Cannot bring up past mistakes to add on to present mistakes.

Rule #4: Do not make each other repeat themselves.

Rule #5: Do not translate a person's words wrongly and accuse them of saying mistranslated information

Rule #6: Do not expect each other to know everyyyyyything.

Rule #7: No suggesting break ups.

Rule #8: Stop assuming negative things.

Rule #9: You have to listen to what the other party has to say, without being bias about your own opinion.

Rule #10: Never leave each other on a bad term.

This has been around for a while now.. Shall we update it? :)

No, I can't tell what's in for me, I can't tell how much I mean to you to evaluate how much you love me on one reason. Only one reason. I just don't know what you see in me. I'm not that special.

But.. I am proud to say that I would not be regretting because I believe in you.

So don't break it. <3