» Monday, January 24, 2011 / -8:22 PM

This house is empty, deprived of the presence of our father since 13 years ago. And now, this house is nothing but an empty shell where we seek shelter at night. This house is nothing but a hotel, since our mother is not here as well. I would only be coming back during the weekends. Turn on the alarm and turn into bed. This is nothing but a daily routine now.

This place, is nothing but a fancy birdcage.

A birdcage that is built to keep everything out and keep us inside. The perfect combination. Then again, Ivan's cage has no lock to it. He is free to spread his wings. He is like a peacock; full of vanity, confidence and most probably flightless. He adores the attention he is getting, and he is satisfied with the amount of freedom he is entitled to. Every day, he struts out of the house with his head held up high, so proud of himself. I, on the other hand, feel like a Yellow Canary in a tiny Seraphine bird cage with a unique combination of 20 numbers to unlock the cage.

A canary in a birdcage.

With the view of the vast clearing beyond the lake. In the vast clearing stands a flamingo, beckoning, beckoning.. All I can do is to observe the exuberant flamingo from a distance. The kind I want, the kind I need, to call as my own. All I can do is watch.. not anymore. Retaliation comes with a cost. For over two years, all I did was watch. Watching my fondness for him and our love grow, watching the pain that grows with it. I watched him took flight into the unknown due to the pain. I want to fly with him. I want to spread my wings and venture into the unknown with him. I began thrashing with all my might. I need to break this cage. I just have to.

Breaking out is not as easy as it seems.

Promises made and broken, goals have been adjusted, made impossible when I have actually ACHIEVED them. Like the dent I made, the dent that gave me hope for a shot at freedom, the first flight, was immediately repaired, showing no signs of damage by my blows. The flamingo is leaving at dusk, leaving for real now. He lied. He is not really here to stay by my side through this. A threat to serve as a catalyst to break out of this enclosure. But I'm drained of all strength, both mentally and physically. I lack motivation to go on, yet I do not have the desire to stay anymore. What's worse than having to win the war all by myself, Hitler? So is death really the only way out of this cage?