ONETWOTHREE!

» Saturday, November 20, 2010 / -5:04 AM

Broken radio (Warning: Emo post)

Love.. makes everyone vulnerable.

Maybe it does not, but I am as sure as the sun would rise that it makes me vulnerable. I feel weak and helpless. The warm, fuzzy feeling had been stripped away like industrial strength duct tape on a hairy guy. I opened up my heart to you and asked you politely not to break it. You promised you would not break it and you will keep it forever. 在心里清晰. Google translate fails! It is driving me crazy. Each time you tell me something, your words contradict with your actions. You tell me you love me, but you want to date other girls and you do not talk to me much anymore. You tell me you want me but you would not even fight for me. You tell me you get jealous when you see someone else saying that they love me, but you do not even want our relationship to prevent it from happening.

I keep telling myself, enough is enough.

No more emotional posts, please. No more sappy/sad/angry posts. No more fake happy posts. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to be like Lyn Si, be as optimistic as she is but I would never be like her because everyone has a different levels of optimism. Lyn Si passing away made me think about everything. There she was, struggling to keep her life and I am wanting to end mine. Wouldn't it be nice if we were to switch place? Lyn would be here right now at least. Then again, I should not be having these thoughts. What would other people feel? Restraining myself just is not working out so well. I wrote a bloody long post about why you make me angry, depressed and happy which I am never going to post. Posting it could lead to one of two things; you can either realize stuff or just leave me in the dark. I was so afraid that you would the latter that I was careful with everything i post.

November 24th;

Today, I told Patrick I did not want to talk to you, just in case I hear something I do not want to. It has to be done though. No matter what, it has to be done. I have to know. Bracing myself for the epic battle with confusion.. "..Hello?"

I had to make you choose between me and them.

Of course I want our relationship back, but if you don't, I am not going to force it on you. So with that aside, it's me or other girls. Initially you picked to date other girls over me, thinking that I am making you get into the relationship with me. The way I phrased it was offensive to you, I suppose. "So you're choosing other girls over me?" I told you, I hate sharing you with other people. You said you don't like sharing too. I said that as if you're mine, but you're not mine anymore. Seven more months and I would be there. Seven more months and I could be with you. Seven more months and you couldn't wait.

But we had a promise.

You pinky promised that you would drop every relationship you have with them when I get there. This serves as my motivation to work, right? We talked about other stuffs that I can't recall now. It felt right at that moment. After hanging up, I realized I forgot to ask you something I've been meaning to ask you if you had any sexual contact with girls during the so-called break period but you did. You admitted that you had that girl you find annoying blow you.. I did not panic, really. I was just very upset. Shouldn't these kind of things be SPECIAL? I mean, it's supposed to be meant to be done by someone you truly love, but that's in my opinion. Sure, it's fun, even you can chuckle about it while asking me what is the point of having casual dates if there are not any fun involved, but it sounded like you were just using people for your own pleasure. Like it does not mean a thing to you. Faith-like, no offense. I made you promise that you would not do these things with anyone at all until I get there. You said I made you sound gay, which was kind of true I suppose. Then you rephrased it "I promise I would not have sexual contact with anyone but von." and said this is a promise you can keep.

To be honest, I do not know what to trust.

Promises have been made and broken. Broken promises could not be detected since I am ten thousand miles away. I want to believe in you. I really do want to believe that you can keep your promises. I have to WAIT and see. Yet again with the waiting.. If there is a machine that I can invent, I would like either a teleporting machine or a time machine. I wish I attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Maybe then I would know how to Apparate to where ever I want. Now that's fantasy. Your reality that set in after two years still seems like bull crap to me. You know I would see you soon.. I hope you're truthful about everything. Now, all I have to do is take a deep breath and aim. One bullet, it either ricochets off and kills me OR I would hit my target with a percentage of 110%. Aiming for the bullseye.. A deep breath..

Broken promises and lies.

You don't know what they do to me. I'm sorry I have been in extremes. To be soothed, I need to know you are going to be there with me. I can't just THINK you would be there. You have to convince me with your actions and your actions are saying the opposite. Waking up in the morning feeling like being punched in the abdomen every morning by some invisible force isn't fun at all. Not very P Diddy-like. It happens every morning. I managed to bury my feelings for you, somewhat, but the slightest sight of your name or what you said made all these feelings resurface. I have been lying to myself. So, I planned. I would off myself if the pain gets too much to handle. Enough is enough. And today, it was too much. 10:23 PM, on 11/24 would be it..

But now, it's time to enjoy to the maximum.

Terry, I am sorry for being impatient. I had my mind set on hitting the target fast and accurately but I have no confidence in myself. I keep thinking that there is a time limit for things to be done. The target is moving at random speed, sometimes, all I see is a blur. I'm so afraid you would move on without me, so afraid of being left behind, so afraid to lose you. I am trying hard to catch up but your strides are longer compared to mine. I do not want to lose my Terry.

Alex, Brian, I'm sorry I scared you shitless, that you had to be a part of this.

And Patrick, I'm sorry I hurt you. I know what I want now.

I'm not going to follow through with my plans for now.