ONETWOTHREE!

» Wednesday, May 18, 2011 / -11:57 PM

Purgatory

Would these tears fall if I have not met you and feel something so strong that had been building up over the times we spent together?

And I wonder and wonder.

I read the letter you wrote over and over again as I sit in the chair, enveloped in your scent. You're high up in the sky now, unreachable. I'll be completely honest. Before you came, I had it all planned. I was going to tell you that I am staying put to where I wanted to be, that resisting you would be a breeze. Nothing but a stroll in the park. I would in turn test your honesty and sincerity throughout the duration. Everything went according to plan on the first day. Little do I know, that door I've been trying to pry open changed my mind completely.

Impact came creeping in so slowly.

As slow as it is, it hit hard. Walking together in the mall, movies, time spent talking in your room, time you spent trying to wake me up because I fell asleep while you got ready, just lying down on the bed, hugging Lion, the way you gently kissed, yet you agreed to be just friends because I wanted it that way. Thinking back, I was being selfish. Scratch that, I still am selfish. When we were in Genting, I cried not because you lied about her, but because I wanted to see what you would do. Of course, it hurt knowing that you did but it's nothing worth crying over for. After all it's in the past. You apologized profusely as you try to get me to face you. Hearing you cry after, shattered my heart. I hate that sound. Absolutely HATE it. I would do anything just to take it all back but I couldn't.

I'm really glad I got sick.

Every time I sneezed, I get to hear you laugh and see you smile. Remember when you scared me yesterday and I said "You scared my sneeze away! Sneezing is like the orgasm of having flu."? Orgasm comes from the satisfaction of hearing you laugh. Yesterday, you refused to walk with me like we usually do. When you said "just so you don't get used to it", I was screaming "Idiot!" in my head. Driving back from the airport without you there to my left feels so wrong. No more "Nopeeeee, babe, babeeeee, be nice." for now, according to you.

That's when I realized I tripped.

I decided not to tell you when you're still here. I fear you might be toying with me, knowing how you enjoy flirting with other girls, getting them to fall for you, then you'd burn them. I don't want to be one of those girls whom are nothing but trophies of your triumphs. I do not want to be one of those silly dollies that you convince you care for them. I want to know what you truly feel, and if you mean it or not. This morning I saw your message to Minchi, dated 28 April 2011, a day before your flight. "Done installing skype, hun?" It irks me to the maximum at the sight of endearment addressed to someone else. I got super jealous when I don't usually do but I can't even blame you. Not like we're together. It makes me wonder if your words are true or not though. I dare not question you since I only have a few hours left to spend with you. I have to make every second count. I bet you were checking what I've been keeping from you too huh?

I screwed up on that part.

I didn't want you to worry and feel insecure, yet what I did was not to be applauded. It's like keeping a spare wheel in your trunk, just in case the one you have fails. A trampoline. Now I wish you're still here when I read the letter, so I can bite you. These tears wouldn't be here now if you're not important to me pero nagtitiis ako kasi mahal kita. Napakahalaga mo sa aking buhay.

Mahal na mahal kita, Patrick.