» Thursday, July 14, 2011 / -3:58 AM

I guess writing doesn't do me much good now but I promised myself that I would keep writing no matter what. People would read what I have to say, in hopes that it would change their assumptions by shedding light to the topic. What more is there to shed? The damage is done. I am the easy slut.

Yes, I am the easy slut.

In his eyes, I was the one that drifted away, leaving him to tend the sinking ship. Our Titanic that we, now, fail to save. So called indestructible ship. Funny though. When he left me twice to save the sinking ship, he didn't say anything about it. "All you have to do now is to get on the life boat with me." Whatever happened to that?

I'll tell you what happened.

April 29th did. Patrick came to visit and I showed him around. By that time, I was interested in Patrick since he's been there for me throughout my breakup with Terry. Patrick was the reason why Terry and I got back after the first breakup. He asked for Terry's permission to be in a relationship with me and Terry got jealous. A few months later, he didn't want to stay in a long distance relationship but persuaded me that he doesn't love me anymore. I kind of guessed that this was coming, so I didn't need much preparation for another heartbreak because there wasn't a whole heart to break to begin with. However, it triggered someone I don't even recognize from within me. This person was very desperate. My grades were not the best grades ever due to my part time job, I stole my passport from mom so I can go to the embassy to get my US visa, and I planned to above all, run away, not knowing how I'll face everyone here when I get back. I planned that I would be there in in two days from now, which is the 17th of July and it would be his birthday gift as well. Eventually, it was a madhouse in here that mom had to lock up my passport somewhere out of my reach and that basically just tied my whole entity to this dreaded soil. The pain dulled day by day, until one day when I had a funny dream about a Twilight haunted house, he called. I didn't know who it was, so I continued my sleep. The next day, I called him and he told me that he's certain that he loves me.

He loves me.

But I don't want to go through with another heartbreak when I'm already making such a good progress on moving on. And so I said, give me two months of being single, prove yourself that you're here to stay for real and then I'll consider taking you back. The reason why I said this was part of me still feels strongly about him and the other part is just screaming that I should move ahead. When Patrick came, there's just this bond that I could not explain. Like, we've known each other forever. Meeting him, learning our similarities and just watching him click with my family members. Language barrier didn't stop him from communicating with my grandparents although it was tedious to be a translator but he promised he'd try to learn the language. The way he make people around him laugh, even when it wasn't his intention to, was just pure magic. I guess you can say I kind of envy him? There's this one time that we were waiting for the bus and he was drinking soda. I wanted to adjust my jacket and he assumed that I was poking him and he flinched, laughed then choked on his soda. The old lady sitting opposite of us began roaring with laughter and choked too. That made me laugh and he laughed too and he choked again. The other time was when he told mom how his stepfather called his mother a turkey and went "gobble gobble". It was an amusing story to me but mom laughed until she cried. Heck, dad even bought him a mini RC helicopter. That's something I have never seen before.

For the first time in a few months, I had nothing to worry or frown about.

Not going to lie and tell you it was all butterflies and rainbows, I did cry a few times. We both did. First time when I pretended to get frustrated over a lie he told me, then he cried when I refused to face him or talked and I started crying for real because I felt guilty of making him so upset that he just kept quiet too. Then it was when he didn't want to go back and we went for a run. Well, I went for a run and he jogged. Curse you short legs. Then I cried about him leaving. So that's when I realized I fell for Patrick.

And the next part, you guys already know the story.

It looks like I cheated on him, I'm the mean bitch that broke his heart. Whatever you called me. In the end, I got hooked again on my drugs.. But oh well. I'm doing just fine right now, aren't I? Drinking and partying like it's nobody's business! Kind of. ~

Well, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I miss you. A whole bunch. I miss the times we had. If I have a remote control for life, I would replay it over and over again. If only you're here.