» Sunday, December 16, 2012 / -12:34 PM

Yesterday, I went to CHCKL to watch their Christmas production called "Ghosting" and to support Gwen as she was in the choir. As the pastor tries to persuade people to go to the front so that he can pray for them, he mentioned something that still rings clear in my head: "When we had our hearts open, people has said or done things that hurt us. Slowly, we build up protective walls around ourselves, closing our hearts. The wall that allows people to see us but they cannot touch us. We can watch their lives but they can't bring their lives into ours." A little voice in my head just said: "Open up your heart and mind."

I feel the strongest need to apologize to Patrick.

The agony I put him through for not trusting him completely. For having the walls around me but he couldn't see the little crack that was there for him to slip past. I am generally not a trusting person because of what I've been through. That's my coping mechanism for being hurt over and over again. So maybe the crack was very tiny and he gave up trying to break my solid walls. I don't blame him. 

Right now, I think my walls have thickened. 

Keeping a facade, a mask of happiness is tiring but I don't want any pity. I shrug it off and talk about the break up as if it's like what I had for lunch the day before; something of little value. Heck, I can even joke about it. Inside, I feel there's a need to fill the void. I want to thrash, I want to cry, I want someone to hold me tight as I pour my heart out. No. I want HIM to hold on tight. And adults have a lot of things they want but that doesn't mean they'll get it. I don't want to hear how bad he is, how it's his loss to leave me, how I have freedom now and how I'll be better off. With time, I know I will be. I have to grow up. Right now, it's the pain of being ignored by someone who is still so important that makes it harder to even scrape by. 

It's the same thoughts everyday.

"What is he doing now? Is he happier? Is he better off? I wonder if he thinks of me. Maybe not, he's free now. Maybe he has someone new? Is he eating well? He changed our picture and replaced it with something else. He's still on MSN, does that mean something? And he is not now, is he giving up? Did I do something wrong? I guess I made him hate me." Stupid, stupid, intrusive, negative thoughts. I can only block them out when I am out with friends. Weak. But I'm glad I have my friends with me and they are the best distraction I can ask for.

Exams are ongoing and I'm spending my time being distracted. 

Coping has never been this difficult. I thought maybe if I don't let my weakness show, everything will be fine. So I covered it up with hyperactivity. I still tell lame jokes, but lamer. I met a lot of new people. Hyperactivity and.. Drinking. I drink to the point where I'm high enough, not enough to get depressed. Happy drunk, that's what I can be. It's too much to handle, I don't want to go down that path just to cope. No one should go down that path.

I don't know what else to do to deal with this sudden vacant space.

All this free time and I can't bring myself to do anything I need to do. I will have to come up with lists and be more organized. Even this post is disorganized. I'll need to help myself before I can help others, and that should be #1 on my list for now. One step at a time? 

I'll open my heart now.

I'll learn to let go and forgive those that hurt me before. 

I apologize for blaming you. It was my fault.