ONETWOTHREE!

» Monday, November 28, 2011 / -7:33 AM

Monster

Let's just hope my self-theorized calming technique will keep me sane enough to not do something stupid.

The last thing I want to do is break my promises made with dad and Patrick.

Yes, I'm aware I'm a monster.

I am unruly, ignorant and uncontrollable. I act upon impulse whenever I feel like it, where ever I want sometimes. But what kind of monster will it make me that made people think I would raise my hands against my mother? A good-for-nothing monster. If people say I am that kind of a monster, then I do not even deserve to be called a monster because even monsters would know better.

They say knowledge is power.

Now, I can tell you, knowledge is bull. The more you know, the harder it is to survive in this household. Psychology taught me that no parent should ever, ever be violent against their child. That abused kids only understand one word commands. Of course, that is in an individualistic culture's context. In a collectivist context, that's just tough love. Studies have shown that Asian children whom grew up with autonomy parenting style strive for affection, thus, being overachievers. They know their parents love them. Knowledge taught me, humans need motivation to know that they are doing well. To feel appreciated.

How does it all link?

It started on Sunday because I did not dry the clothes. As I was cooking earlier, I noticed the stench and made a mental note to wash it when the maid is almost done with her chores so she can dry it later and so it does not stink again. My mother was complaining about it when she got home. According to her, she sent me a message the day before to dry it and she went into the toilet while I was eating my lunch. A message that I did not receive but I did not find out about this until much later. I told her I was asleep the whole day before and did not notice her message. She proceeded to say that if we do not want to help out, everyone should just do their own things. She continued nagging on how no one helped her. It was unfair to me because I have helped out on several occasions, thus, I voiced out my discomfort of her statement. I asked her what does she mean by "not helping out" and stated that I did help out. That must have came out rude to her because apparently, she took it offensively and told me to list down the things that I helped out with. I kept quiet for a bit. A dilemma was boiling up in me; to just be quiet and deal with this again and again, or not? She insisted that I list everything.

I began listing down things out of anger.

Things such as opening the doors for the maid, despite needing to wake up earlier than my usual time because she's never around when she calls for the temporary maids, washing and drying the clothes when I notice the huge pile, folding them, helped her fold them when I was just going to get water, clean the floor whenever she asked me to, even cooked and offered to pack food for the family, washed the dog (she'll just say the dog is my responsibility) and even scrubbed the toilet occasionally. The things that I have never done prior to Aini's departure. Lo and behold, she started assuming that I was complaining that I had to do those things. That I NEVER do anything on my own will. That I am not being appreciative of the things she had done for us, that I should not even complain because I have it better than anyone else. THAT I DID NOT DO ALL OF THOSE RECENTLY. Of course I have not. Being particularly tied up with college is not what I want to either, especially with the assignments due.

The issue was wanting to feel appreciated, even the slightest.

The issue to her was a lament of needing to do all these things. That I do not want to do it. She went on yelling about if that's the case that I should just clean and fold my own things while walking out of the dining room. Being so filled with rage, I just yelled back that I would. If what I'm doing isn't appreciated, then why bother? It's the same as cleaning my own things only. She walked back in, with a finger pointed to my face, told me to shut up. SHUT UP! The words I hear countless times while growing up. "SHUT UP. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU CRYING." "SHUT UP, YOU KNOW YOU SULKED." "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

No.

I would not shut up. She came closer, an effort to intimidate me in my seat. She repeated herself; to shut up. Looking at her and her actions, a shot of distaste spread within myself. What's the difference between the way she disciplines the dog and the way she tries to discipline me? I'm not a dog. All it takes was for you to tell me my mistakes in a calm manner. To rebut that, she said she's the one that provides me with food, clothes and shelter, so she has every right to command me to shut up. I stood up, wary that if I argue anymore, what comes next is a slap. And if I were to continue, there will be more to come. It's funny how it is so predictable. What was funnier was self defense became offensive. I slapped her. Notice the sarcasm. She has scratches on her arms. I have scratches on my face. Sure, I slapped her. Ivan walked out and went by her side immediately. Yes, I have made that kind of image where I would be the one that goes out on my way to hurt her all the time.

Knowledge taught me one thing.

Nature or nurture: either way, it is still the parents' fault. Dad was absent through most of my development since they divorced, taking Ivan with him, and I'm left with this violent household. I'm not blaming anyone, that is just how it has to be. At the age of 8 to 13, some nights were just pure nightmare, having to deal with the arguments between her and her husband. If she says I am the monster that would lay my hands on her, it would just intrigue me as much, as it takes a monster to breed a monster. It took a mad scientist to create Frankenstein. All those slaps, beatings and that very night being locked up in the room for something I did not do. Don't you think that show that VIOLENCE solves things?

Violence is a notorious cycle.

A cycle passed from one generation to another. Violence was passed on by my aunt and uncle to my mom and I fear that, one day, I would be one of them and this will be passed on to my kids. Dad says violence is never the solution to anything all the time. There are times where I would tell her that she need not yell at me to get her point across in a calm manner, it got worse. Sure, I am rebellious and I believe strongly in equality and justice, as she taught me. She wanted the system to be more just and fair, yet, she is not being fair herself. They say she is stressed, I should be more understanding, yet it is wrong for me to be stressed, just because I'm younger and supposed to endure all these pile of junk thrown my way. They say I need anger management; I do but what is the point with anger if they had listened to what I had to say in the first place?

Give and take.

I just want to run from this place the first chance I get and it does not matter where.

» Thursday, July 14, 2011 / -3:58 AM

Cookies & Cream

Yet again, I abandoned my blog.

I guess writing doesn't do me much good now but I promised myself that I would keep writing no matter what. People would read what I have to say, in hopes that it would change their assumptions by shedding light to the topic. What more is there to shed? The damage is done. I am the easy slut.

Yes, I am the easy slut.

In his eyes, I was the one that drifted away, leaving him to tend the sinking ship. Our Titanic that we, now, fail to save. So called indestructible ship. Funny though. When he left me twice to save the sinking ship, he didn't say anything about it. "All you have to do now is to get on the life boat with me." Whatever happened to that?

I'll tell you what happened.

April 29th did. Patrick came to visit and I showed him around. By that time, I was interested in Patrick since he's been there for me throughout my breakup with Terry. Patrick was the reason why Terry and I got back after the first breakup. He asked for Terry's permission to be in a relationship with me and Terry got jealous. A few months later, he didn't want to stay in a long distance relationship but persuaded me that he doesn't love me anymore. I kind of guessed that this was coming, so I didn't need much preparation for another heartbreak because there wasn't a whole heart to break to begin with. However, it triggered someone I don't even recognize from within me. This person was very desperate. My grades were not the best grades ever due to my part time job, I stole my passport from mom so I can go to the embassy to get my US visa, and I planned to above all, run away, not knowing how I'll face everyone here when I get back. I planned that I would be there in in two days from now, which is the 17th of July and it would be his birthday gift as well. Eventually, it was a madhouse in here that mom had to lock up my passport somewhere out of my reach and that basically just tied my whole entity to this dreaded soil. The pain dulled day by day, until one day when I had a funny dream about a Twilight haunted house, he called. I didn't know who it was, so I continued my sleep. The next day, I called him and he told me that he's certain that he loves me.

He loves me.

But I don't want to go through with another heartbreak when I'm already making such a good progress on moving on. And so I said, give me two months of being single, prove yourself that you're here to stay for real and then I'll consider taking you back. The reason why I said this was part of me still feels strongly about him and the other part is just screaming that I should move ahead. When Patrick came, there's just this bond that I could not explain. Like, we've known each other forever. Meeting him, learning our similarities and just watching him click with my family members. Language barrier didn't stop him from communicating with my grandparents although it was tedious to be a translator but he promised he'd try to learn the language. The way he make people around him laugh, even when it wasn't his intention to, was just pure magic. I guess you can say I kind of envy him? There's this one time that we were waiting for the bus and he was drinking soda. I wanted to adjust my jacket and he assumed that I was poking him and he flinched, laughed then choked on his soda. The old lady sitting opposite of us began roaring with laughter and choked too. That made me laugh and he laughed too and he choked again. The other time was when he told mom how his stepfather called his mother a turkey and went "gobble gobble". It was an amusing story to me but mom laughed until she cried. Heck, dad even bought him a mini RC helicopter. That's something I have never seen before.

For the first time in a few months, I had nothing to worry or frown about.

Not going to lie and tell you it was all butterflies and rainbows, I did cry a few times. We both did. First time when I pretended to get frustrated over a lie he told me, then he cried when I refused to face him or talked and I started crying for real because I felt guilty of making him so upset that he just kept quiet too. Then it was when he didn't want to go back and we went for a run. Well, I went for a run and he jogged. Curse you short legs. Then I cried about him leaving. So that's when I realized I fell for Patrick.

And the next part, you guys already know the story.

It looks like I cheated on him, I'm the mean bitch that broke his heart. Whatever you called me. In the end, I got hooked again on my drugs.. But oh well. I'm doing just fine right now, aren't I? Drinking and partying like it's nobody's business! Kind of. ~

Well, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I miss you. A whole bunch. I miss the times we had. If I have a remote control for life, I would replay it over and over again. If only you're here.

» Wednesday, May 18, 2011 / -11:57 PM

Purgatory

Would these tears fall if I have not met you and feel something so strong that had been building up over the times we spent together?

And I wonder and wonder.

I read the letter you wrote over and over again as I sit in the chair, enveloped in your scent. You're high up in the sky now, unreachable. I'll be completely honest. Before you came, I had it all planned. I was going to tell you that I am staying put to where I wanted to be, that resisting you would be a breeze. Nothing but a stroll in the park. I would in turn test your honesty and sincerity throughout the duration. Everything went according to plan on the first day. Little do I know, that door I've been trying to pry open changed my mind completely.

Impact came creeping in so slowly.

As slow as it is, it hit hard. Walking together in the mall, movies, time spent talking in your room, time you spent trying to wake me up because I fell asleep while you got ready, just lying down on the bed, hugging Lion, the way you gently kissed, yet you agreed to be just friends because I wanted it that way. Thinking back, I was being selfish. Scratch that, I still am selfish. When we were in Genting, I cried not because you lied about her, but because I wanted to see what you would do. Of course, it hurt knowing that you did but it's nothing worth crying over for. After all it's in the past. You apologized profusely as you try to get me to face you. Hearing you cry after, shattered my heart. I hate that sound. Absolutely HATE it. I would do anything just to take it all back but I couldn't.

I'm really glad I got sick.

Every time I sneezed, I get to hear you laugh and see you smile. Remember when you scared me yesterday and I said "You scared my sneeze away! Sneezing is like the orgasm of having flu."? Orgasm comes from the satisfaction of hearing you laugh. Yesterday, you refused to walk with me like we usually do. When you said "just so you don't get used to it", I was screaming "Idiot!" in my head. Driving back from the airport without you there to my left feels so wrong. No more "Nopeeeee, babe, babeeeee, be nice." for now, according to you.

That's when I realized I tripped.

I decided not to tell you when you're still here. I fear you might be toying with me, knowing how you enjoy flirting with other girls, getting them to fall for you, then you'd burn them. I don't want to be one of those girls whom are nothing but trophies of your triumphs. I do not want to be one of those silly dollies that you convince you care for them. I want to know what you truly feel, and if you mean it or not. This morning I saw your message to Minchi, dated 28 April 2011, a day before your flight. "Done installing skype, hun?" It irks me to the maximum at the sight of endearment addressed to someone else. I got super jealous when I don't usually do but I can't even blame you. Not like we're together. It makes me wonder if your words are true or not though. I dare not question you since I only have a few hours left to spend with you. I have to make every second count. I bet you were checking what I've been keeping from you too huh?

I screwed up on that part.

I didn't want you to worry and feel insecure, yet what I did was not to be applauded. It's like keeping a spare wheel in your trunk, just in case the one you have fails. A trampoline. Now I wish you're still here when I read the letter, so I can bite you. These tears wouldn't be here now if you're not important to me pero nagtitiis ako kasi mahal kita. Napakahalaga mo sa aking buhay.

Mahal na mahal kita, Patrick.

» Tuesday, February 22, 2011 / -5:49 AM

Foolish

So mom finally let me travel to Florida for the summer.

All I have to do now is to wait for his decision, and not let him know about this because this will cloud his judgement. Every single day, I wished something would change. We would be back together and be the way we used to be, as if nothing happened at all. But now, my feelings are numb. No joy of being successful in my own battles to win this war, but perhaps a tinge of disappointment and sadness as I watch my knight give up his internal battle. The last battle that decides it all. Epic, no?

I wish I know what he wants, what he dreams of, what he feels and what he thinks.

I wish I can guide him through, or he would accept some guidance from someone else and not be driven by his own hormones. I wish he would just snap out of his unjustifiable logic.

I just wish.

If I do know, I shall be Supervon. Just saying. I shouldn't let him walk all over me like a doormat. I should be taking over the rein. Fuck, why am I so pathetic? Lead your own fucking life.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more; it's a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing." ~ Shakespeare.

» Saturday, February 19, 2011 / -10:30 AM

Diagnosed!

So I was going into the clinic to get my injections with mom.

After going through all that drama, I wasn't feeling like myself. I couldn't sleep the night before and I skipped work because I fear that people would ask me why I'm depressed. I thought these people are positively reinforcing the act of self-pitying by pitying me. I do not want to be mopey so I stayed home. When I got to the clinic, mom told the doctor that I've been going through a lot recently and asked him if I should be off of my injections. After hearing his story on how he eloped to UK for 6 months, how he helped a girl with her thesis and she cheated on him, after hearing him calling me stupid and how I deserves to be slapped, he told mom I have low cortisol levels.

What is cortisol?

I didn't know. Google is my answer for almost everything. Wonders of the Internet!

Early symptoms are generic and can be easily confused with other disorders, specifically, fatigue, headache, weakness, dizziness and orthostatic hypotension (low blood pressure upon standing). Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are often present as well as an inability to tolerate cold temperatures. Left untreated, the symptoms progress into muscle weakness, weight loss, dehydration, hypotension, irritability and depression as well as darkening of the skin. Ultimately, pain in the abdomen, back or legs, collapse of the peripheral blood vessels and extreme weakness would all indicate adrenal crisis.

This condition can develop into Addison’s disease which is a serious medical condition which can be life threatening. Low cortisol symptoms are primarily seen in people who are between 30 and 50 years old. Low cortisol symptoms must be treated with prescription medications for the remainder of one’s life. It is important that people who have hypocortisolism never miss a dose of their medication because they can go into adrenal failure and die. If you are experiencing low cortisol symptoms you should see your doctor for a check up and evaluation.

And I have the symptoms in bold.

It's probably nothing. I mean, the doctor said I should just take more meat and what not, so it can't be serious right? And I do not think I should get prescription medication because knowing me, I would miss a dose of my medication. BUT NOW, I'm not to be blamed for my depression. It is not self induced! I guess I just do not have the right mechanism to cope with stress/my parts are broken.

Yeah, people are calling me stupid.

Living in a fantasy, selfish, you name it. Reality is too brutal. I just wish I can live in my dreams forever. You say, go make your dreams come true, go do whatever you like. I want to make my dreams come true, I want to do what I like to, but you say what I would like to do is stupid. I'm stupid. Everything I do is stupid. I guess, I'm starting to believe them myself. I am stupid..

» Friday, February 11, 2011 / -8:33 PM

The BIG Finale!

Mmm, I seriously do find this drama interesting.

The reason why her picture is a facebook guy is because she has me blocked. I must say, fueling the drama makes it die down so fast, it's crazy! And now I even have proof for defamation to sue her. I guess her defense was to deflect what I said to her onto me. If you're reading this, I blog about it, because I think it's funny. It's somewhat like my personal outlet, who cares who reads it. Now everyone thinks she is easy and she does not like that. Even if I were the one that spread the news, it wouldn't make much of an impact. Her actions led to her infamous title. They just won't say it to her face. I will.

If you're going to show this to her, be my guest.

I don't care how bad it seems anymore because she made my reputation bad enough. So why not just act like a bitch like what she has been feeding everyone that would let her leech on their sympathy? So much for staying on the fence and not getting involved. You should win a Grammy's award or something more grand. The best actor and for staying on the fence OH SO WELL. You're doing a perfect job and a round of applause for yourself, please. insertsmileyfaceofyourchoicehere

I got what I wanted.

I trolled her to the extent that she blocked me. Yay! I kind of failed at being a grammar nazi though. LOL! Other people thinks... It should be think instead.

» / -10:25 AM

Decorating a Book's Cover

Not feeling so fly like a G6 after all!

I'm so tired of my look. Everyone have their hair done and I'm like the kid that does NOTHING to her hair except for washing it and occasionally blow dry it. I must do something about it...

I KNOW.

So today I woke up being scared about going through with my plans. I've planned on popping my hair's cherry/dye my virgin hair. Mom bought me a box of hair dye because I once asked her if I could dye my hair and I would be getting the specific color that is not gaudy to me.

I got Liese by Kao in Sweet Pink!

I am intrigued by the foam, to be honest. I thought that I could be playing with bubbles as I dye my hair and it would be fun doing so rather than looking all bored with hair dye that requires more energy to ensure that the color spreads evenly. Liese apparently claims their hair dye would give of an even finish.

Trying to be the model but I fail.

She's so much prettier!

Bwahahahahhhaa!

I am mixing the chemicals by pouring solution one into the bottle of solution two slowly while reading the manual provided.

Two layers!

And it is starting to stink.

I'm a genius!

I mixed the solution without any bubbles foaming. ~ Iced peach tea, anyone?

Oh no!

I forgot to comb my hair to untangle my hair.

The mixture's darker now.

It looks like Coke/Dr Pepper. Mmm. ~

The assistant, Aini!

Putting the gloves on like a surgeon.

I'm still scared..

It really foams!

OH MY. I got too excited..

And we emptied the bottle.

Usually people with my hair length requires two packs of hair dye to dye their whole head but one of this is enough to get the color on my hair evenly.

And it is time to wash it off!

Ivan, my hair dryer/stylist.

I don't see any difference..

Maybe I need to go somewhere brighter.

Justtttttt a litttttttttttle now.

Ivan said my hair was too dark to begin with. I should've just bleached my hair and dye it cotton candy pink or baby blue.

Hair lotion to moisturize your hair.

I'm pretty messy.

It doesn't look like lotion if you can't see the packet in the picture. Looks more like.. yeah.

Maybe all I need is sunlight!

Thereeeee! At least you can see some color now. Hee. I cheated.

~~~

For the past half year, my life has been filled with drama.

Drama that were thrown at me from left, right, up, down, front and back. I think if I have the opportunity, I would definitely sell my life story to some big shot producer and it would definitely be a mega hit series. Drama, drama, drama. I just want to be me, so why won't the dramatic bitches leave me alone? I want back my dramaless life, please and thank you. Now, it seems like no matter how hard I try to be honest, there are certain times that I will not be able to gain trust, just because they believe in what other people are telling them, despite me showing them proof. Terry's right. If these people would doubt me for what other people said to them, they are not good enough to even be considered my friends. Except, I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to be liked by them. Oh well, like I said, Terry's right. No use trying to win back someone whose trust for me is so fragile that it would break at the mere sight of accusation. I bet they would believe it if someone said that I am a prostitute and I live in a brothel with a hundred men.

Dramatic bitch said that I backstabbed her.

She called me a psychotic jealous bitch of a girlfriend and YET, she had phone sex, knowing that. Who is the backstabber now, bitch? Little does she know, I'm over that. I laugh at that matter, actually. She's just a slut that is easily sweet talked into having cyber sex. Cyber sex is just having sex with yourself, or if you prefer the term masturbating, with someone else on the other end. What I do mind is your backstabbing, and the heck, who knows, the "bunch of people that texts you horrible things" are actually just one person.

People like dramatic bitch, should know not to mess with people like me.

Nice people are people whom everyone should look out for. It's like action potential, except with "assholes", their threshold is low but the message conveyed is generally mild, like a tickle. Whereas with nice people, they have higher threshold compared to assholes but that just means that the message conveyed would be more serious, like a kick to your crotch, severing your chances of celebrating father/mother's day forever. Yes, I think I am nice, and I am being somewhat full of myself. ~

After all these things, I realized fighting drama would make it worse.

For me. Trying to tone it down, would make it too much to bear with and requires lots of energy. As of now, I shall fuel drama as it is exciting. Very, very intriguing..