ONETWOTHREE!

» Thursday, September 19, 2013 / -5:48 AM

Only the strong shall survive.. maybe?

Recently, I was involved in an incident which makes me wonder the true meaning of strength.

I dislocated my knee cap again while playing badminton. Despite being in an enormous amount of pain, I bit my lower lip hard to not scream or cry, especially with people crowding around. My ears were ringing and my knee was out at a weird angle but all I could think of was what I am going to do next. If I can crawl to the bench to get my phone but I was immobilized. There were a lot of panicky "Oh my goodness, are you in pain?!" "Are you okay?!" from the crowd but they sounded distant and looked blurry. Josh came to aid, along with Dinesh. They were saying something about "needing to push her knee back into place". Dinesh apologized for the oncoming pain from straightening out my leg. I guess some part of me just trusted him because I managed to stop myself from yelling at him to not touch it. He kept apologizing as he pulled my leg, holding it between his knees and pushed my kneecap back into its place. With it being in place, I was able to concentrate a little more as the pain is reduced. Someone asked if it hurts. I remember looking up at that person and said with a shaky voice "Hahahah.. It hurts like a fucking bitch." with a forced smile. Josh smiled and said they have to get me off of the court. Both him and Chris helped me up and we got to the bench. Josh asked me if I needed anything. Some deodorant would be good. I must smell bad from all that sweat and they have to smell my odour. Yuck. Probably some intensive work out so if this happens again, I wouldn't be as heavy as an elephant or as jell-o-ish. There was some intensive unhealthy self-bashing happening in my head. After calling mom for help, Josh went running out and came back with a HUGE ice pack. Chris told me to keep it on, even if it's numb, it would be even better because it will numb the pain as well. Then people sat beside me and said they admire the fact that I didn't even make a sound when they would have screamed their lungs out if they were me. They would not let Dinesh touch their legs. That I've got balls. Then it hit me.

Is being able to keep quiet while in pain considered a strength?

Sometimes, it can be a blessing as people won't judge you for being "weak" just because you give into the pain. Admit it, how many times have you seen someone scream from falling down the steps and you're all like "Just walk it off! Not like it hurts that much!". Or better yet, I bet you've probably watched the video of Stephen crying over his cancelled World of Warcraft account, which he rather stupidly retaliated by stripping his clothes off while he thrashes around and shoves a TV remote up his butt. Okay, fine, he was over reacting but still, you judged him for what he did. If Stephen just kept quiet about his account being cancelled, we wouldn't know who he is today, would we?

Little do people know, keeping it all to yourself can get rather lonely.

It would be nice to be able to fall back and trust that someone will be there to catch you, sometimes. Someone where you can cry to your heart's content and still know that he/she's not judging your entire existence, someone that will always be there even if he or she doesn't know what to say because there's no need for spoken words. Being "strong" has its limitations as well.

Just food for thought, I guess. :)

» Monday, March 4, 2013 / -4:33 AM

Unicorn Kisses (Because Nothing Can Be Happier Than This)

So recently (like today), I've joined Groupon as an intern.
Matt found out about this blog (ninja stalker!) and read my previous posts. It never hit me that I only blog when I need to rant. So here you go. Something happy. :)

Being single for the past three months have opened up more room in my life.
More room to explore around and do the things I never thought I would be doing. Getting an internship would be one! It was so random how Adelene told me about the opening, how I had an interview two days later and I thought I flunked because I was nervous and tense, then getting a call from the talent specialist for a second interview a week later, meeting up with my amazingly friendly team on the spot and now, working with them.

I'm not going to lie, but being told we are the crème de la crème; one of 240 people to be picked out of 4000 over interviews, made me a little narcissistic. Who am I kidding, I already am! :P
I guess grandpa is really looking after us in heaven and he's in a better place. A series of unfortunate events (probably not as unfortunate as the movie; none of my uncles are trying to kill me) seems to be coming at me at an overwhelming pace. And now, I am able to say "COME AT ME, BRO. I'll kick your ass!" Sure, I was sad about it, but when you are down so low, you can only look up. Things are looking up at the moment and it feels AWESOME. Let's do everything!

After I crash for the night, sooooo tired! Hee.
And I hope he is doing well. :)

» Wednesday, February 13, 2013 / -9:02 AM

Happiness

Happiness (\ˈha-pē-nəs\)

obsolete : good fortune : prosperity

a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy

b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

: felicity, aptness

And what is not defined is that happiness can come in all forms and sizes. Happiness can come from sipping a glass of hot chocolate on a cold day, completing a project that you have been wanting to do for a long time, making millions, getting their dream cars or spending time with our friends. It could be anything, you just have to know what you are looking at. I suppose when people are happy, they tend to take things for granted and they will always want more. It is human nature after all. Throughout the years, people are becoming more competitive than before. So much that we forget to just slow down and smell the roses.

Happiness. That is something we can all work on continuously. We may lose track of ourselves and our goals in the midst of chasing after illusions of comfort and happiness. Pressure and unfortunate events make us spiral into the abyss of darkness. Cold, quiet and lonely; with no way out. Flailing around would not help us stand on our feet again. All we need, all we really need is a spark. A spark of happiness that could light up our lives, even just for a bit.

As for me, my source of happiness is his contentment in himself and his life. We both got what we wanted in the end although his happiness was not caused by me. Still good enough to be my closure to move on. And this guy's cartoon blog (http://iamboey.com/1710). Mmm, Boey.

So what makes you happy this Chinese New Year/Valentine's Day? :)

» Tuesday, February 12, 2013 / -12:33 AM

Two Months

And I still miss you.
Damn it.

» Monday, December 24, 2012 / -12:03 PM

Dear You,

I don't think I should text you because I think I'd only be bothering you.

So, Merry Christmas. :)

I want to tell you so many things.

Like how I still dream about you. Yesterday I dreamed that I saw you standing in a room and I ran towards you. I fell but you were leaving without even looking back. I scuffled and hugged your legs tightly, then you look down. You bent down and hugged me right back. In the other dream, you just hugged and kissed my forehead. But like you said, they're just dreams, huh? :3 I want to wish you all the best for enrolling in college again and good luck on the financial aid application. And congratulate you for doing something you've been planning to do.

But maybe silence is the best thing I can give you this Christmas.

I'll secretly love you and hope for your happiness. At the same time, I'll try to work on mine.

I love you,

Evon.

» Sunday, December 16, 2012 / -12:34 PM

One-way Mirror: Cracking

If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine at my door.

Yesterday, I went to CHCKL to watch their Christmas production called "Ghosting" and to support Gwen as she was in the choir. As the pastor tries to persuade people to go to the front so that he can pray for them, he mentioned something that still rings clear in my head: "When we had our hearts open, people has said or done things that hurt us. Slowly, we build up protective walls around ourselves, closing our hearts. The wall that allows people to see us but they cannot touch us. We can watch their lives but they can't bring their lives into ours." A little voice in my head just said: "Open up your heart and mind."

I feel the strongest need to apologize to Patrick.

The agony I put him through for not trusting him completely. For having the walls around me but he couldn't see the little crack that was there for him to slip past. I am generally not a trusting person because of what I've been through. That's my coping mechanism for being hurt over and over again. So maybe the crack was very tiny and he gave up trying to break my solid walls. I don't blame him.

Right now, I think my walls have thickened.

Keeping a facade, a mask of happiness is tiring but I don't want any pity. I shrug it off and talk about the break up as if it's like what I had for lunch the day before; something of little value. Heck, I can even joke about it. Inside, I feel there's a need to fill the void. I want to thrash, I want to cry, I want someone to hold me tight as I pour my heart out. No. I want HIM to hold on tight. And adults have a lot of things they want but that doesn't mean they'll get it. I don't want to hear how bad he is, how it's his loss to leave me, how I have freedom now and how I'll be better off. With time, I know I will be. I have to grow up. Right now, it's the pain of being ignored by someone who is still so important that makes it harder to even scrape by.

It's the same thoughts everyday.

"What is he doing now? Is he happier? Is he better off? I wonder if he thinks of me. Maybe not, he's free now. Maybe he has someone new? Is he eating well? He changed our picture and replaced it with something else. He's still on MSN, does that mean something? And he is not now, is he giving up? Did I do something wrong? I guess I made him hate me." Stupid, stupid, intrusive, negative thoughts. I can only block them out when I am out with friends. Weak. But I'm glad I have my friends with me and they are the best distraction I can ask for.

Exams are ongoing and I'm spending my time being distracted.

Coping has never been this difficult. I thought maybe if I don't let my weakness show, everything will be fine. So I covered it up with hyperactivity. I still tell lame jokes, but lamer. I met a lot of new people. Hyperactivity and.. Drinking. I drink to the point where I'm high enough, not enough to get depressed. Happy drunk, that's what I can be. It's too much to handle, I don't want to go down that path just to cope. No one should go down that path.

I don't know what else to do to deal with this sudden vacant space.

All this free time and I can't bring myself to do anything I need to do. I will have to come up with lists and be more organized. Even this post is disorganized. I'll need to help myself before I can help others, and that should be #1 on my list for now. One step at a time?

I'll open my heart now.

I'll learn to let go and forgive those that hurt me before.

I apologize for blaming you. It was my fault.

» Sunday, December 9, 2012 / -10:57 PM

Say Goodnight

The song that was played during the ball and first dance was initiated by Janice and Alvin.
It was sweet. Very sweet.

The lyrics mean a lot.