» Wednesday, September 15, 2010 / -8:05 PM

"Why are you so sad? You are still so young and there are so many fishes in the sea."

Those other fishes can go die, please and thank you.

I don't want other fishes, can't you see? I guess I just have to psycho myself. He doesn't know what he's losing out, his loss for giving up the person that isn't giving up on him (and I am quoting Rachel), I'm too good for him, he doesn't deserve me, HE'S JUST LIKE OTHER GUYS although he said he's not, he just wants sex all along, he doesn't want to try anymore... he doesn't even love me and he never did, his feelings were just misunderstood as love, he hates the way I'm being a control freak, a green-eyed monster for being jealous when he doesn't spend time with me, it's my fault for not doing well enough to get a scholarship there during my SAM because I was playing instead of studying.

I must be some kind of masochist.

Initially, I made my wall paper out of a collection of his pictures. I changed it to the wall paper I had before I met him but it didn't feel right. Since I deleted the former wall paper, the computer actually removed it completely. Instead of changing it to something else, I had to put HIS picture. So whenever I switch on my computer, I'd see him as the background in full screen. It feels right, but saya rasa sangat pedih apabila saya merenung matanya. But I can't take my eyes off of them. The radio, hates me too. Every where I go, I'd hear Neyo's "So Sick", Beyonce's "If I were a boy", Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the way you lie", Britney's "Everytime", "When somebody loved me" from Toy Story 2. I guess you won't be affected by all these songs as much when you're happy with your life. Now, I'd be able to relate to these songs, making me depressed.

I cringed every time I see something red, numbers 7 and 23, onions, cabbage, bananas, sheep, cow, pig, brown hair, the bottle, Eurasian kids, Autobot, Decepticon, Transformers, FlapJack, Ragnarok, plaids, duck faces, Mitchell Davis, underwater wedding, short wedding dresses and the list goes on and on.

I often wonder, what is he going to do with the pendant? I still have mine, what should I do with it? Should I send him his presents and letters? I still want the bears because they smell like him, I still want my letter so I'd have something he made for me, and only me, and I want his red plaid boxers.. because their his. What the fuck is wrong with you? He doesn't love you, you idiot. Yes, he does not love me anymore but I do. That's why I need to let go. Who knows, maybe one day I'd be able to turn the tables, yes? One day, he would finally realize that "I should not have told von all those nasty things I have said. What have I done?!". It's alllllllll in my head. I told Rachel, one fine day when he comes back begging, I would definitely make him beg hard. He needs to give me a theme park. Deep down inside, I know I would probably melt when he says he's sorry. Happens every single fucking time. Him being stubborn, me being persuasive and I'd fight for the pictures I want from him. In the end, I'd fail, just like how I'm failing bad right now.

I send him my pictures once in a blue moon, whenever I feel like taking them.

I demand his pictures almost every day and I won't give him mine when he asks. Selfish, selfish von. Yes, I am not over him. However, I'm proud of myself today. I didn't cry as much as I did yesterday. Mostly because I was out and everyone was here with me. Ivan was trying to make me feel better in his own ways when he sees me looking down or staring at nothingness. He tried to make me laugh by putting images in my head. I was able to smile too! ;D Devon's a perv! ~ But someone telling me that they love me at this period of time makes me feel lucky to have people that cares around me.

The bad news is.. Suicidal thoughts kind of seeped into my mind again.

I thought of getting the knife my aunt has, which is supposed to be sharp, and this time, slit my wrist deep enough. Then, the other part of me was screaming in my head that it's stupid to do so because you'll hurt other people, no, not Terry, but other people that care too AND I'd create a huge mess. I went on doing with what I was doing and I thought about jumping out of the window from the seventh floor. Before I continued planning whatever suicide attempts I was, I slapped myself hard. It didn't hurt though. I find it hard to eat (WHAT?! Von isn't eating?!). Yes, I am not eating much although I love eating a lot. My cousin had a talk with me yesterday and offered me some chocolate; CHOCOLATE! and I refused! Har har har. I tried eating today because I don't believe in starving myself even when I am sad. I shared lunch with mom and barely touched anything during dinner. "WOW, Evon's not eating?!" Aunt Jo exclaimed. "So you can really lose weight while going through a heart break!" She was just kidding and I smiled. It's a shame that dinner was a waste of money though. I ended up vomiting my tau fu fa and black sesame ice shaving.

I want to feel okay.

I want to BE okay. Mom says the reason why I can't let him go is because I gained confidence to be myself and he was the one that brought the best out of me. I believed, I am the way I am because of him but it's not true because I never had the confidence to be myself. And I quote Amy "People are different whenever they enter or get out of a relationship." So now I believe, I won't actually lose the person I was when I was with him, because I love that von. The von that can FINALLY say "I love you" and "I miss you" to someone she cares about when she is around people, kiss him over the phone and not feel ashamed about it, the Von that could go around, randomly saying "Pew pew!" to her friends, tease them and mess around with them. Instead, I would be a better person, because he brought the best and the worst out of me. THE SILVER LINING OF THE RELATIONSHIP, finally! Blogging makes me realize things I never had before. I get to vent to everyone that actually gives a flying fuck about reading.

I admit, my heart still skips a beat when I see that I have an e-mail around this time of the night because he's texting me.

I'd hold my breath whenever I see his picture. I would wake up and hope it's just a bad dream. Surprisingly, I'm recovering faster now that I am blogging about whatever I feel instead of keeping them bottled up. He did leave footprints in my heart and his footprints will always be there. As a reminder of all the best and worst things that happened when I was with him. Hamel is such a talented musician. "Tiny Town" is such an amazing song. I wish I believed in me but somethings aren't meant to be, I wish I believed in me but it remains a fantasy; Nothing in this tiny town can bring me down, nothing in the whole wide world to make me frown.