» Wednesday, September 15, 2010 / -1:52 AM

As a kid, I've always had visions of who I want to be.

I can visualize myself in the near future, what I'd be like and what I would be doing. Many of these visions, did come true, like when I excelled in my education and I have many friends I cared about. And like most people, my life was spiraling down into the drain as soon as I hit puberty. Nasty stuffs started to happen to me, but they are not really complain-worthy. I'd still complain anyway. I have trouble seeing myself in the future as if someone had abruptly ended my life somehow. I have attempted suicide a few times, but the cuts I made were only enough to draw some blood; not enough to actually threaten my life because I was too much of a coward to do it. I'm glad I was a coward because if I wasn't, I would be dead without a purpose and mom's effort of giving birth to me would be wasted. Not my life to strip, it's hers.

He is the nicest, caring, and loving guy I have ever met. Not forgetting to mention that he's mature for his age sometimes. And he's good looking too, but that's just a bonus. We began talking and got really close to each other. We got together some when during the end of September/October (we finally decided it would be on the 23rd of October because it's our favorite number). We've been through lots of stuff then. I am still whiny; about how he's too good for me, about how he should find someone else instead of me, how the distance will make him upset and that he should get someone closer to him. I meant what I've said, but I secretly hoped he would never be convinced by me. He kept calling me silly for thinking these stuff, how we will make it through no matter what. He was there for me when we were going to be apart. Spending time with him everyday has been part of my daily routine. It made me a better person; as corny as it gets, he's my personal brand of heroin and morphine. His love was my drug; addictive and it makes me feel light headed, even up until today.

I craved for his undivided attention. With him, I can be myself. With him, I felt loved even when I have family problems. It makes me sound selfish every time I talk about him in this post, I would use the word I. I love him. I do. There were times that he was unable to give me his attention. I did things, bad things that is considered unforgivable to lots of people. My friendliness and hospitality were misunderstood and I, in turn, was leading a few people on, and I actually liked the attention. He never did any of those things to me. Still, he was willing to forgive me and we talked things out. Our relationship was more than I've ever wished for. More than I could ever hope for. As time progressed, we got busier with our lives. I promised him that I would try my best to be there after I graduate. In the longest time, I was finally able to visualize something with him.

His silly little antiques, the little things he did showing me that he cares and he's there for me. He would make funny sounds by playing with his lips with his finger, squeaking randomly on the phone or on ventrilo, saying things like "Ravijoulies", "Sketti", crayon, coloring book, Voninie (insert Terry's rawr face here), him singing Mad World by Gary Jules although he forgot some of the lyrics, waking me up when I needed to do so, telling me that the singers I like are gay, made me believe that "the new no-shower law" and him telling me that he loves me more every time before he hangs up abruptly so I won't be able to argue that I love him more.

He wanted to break it off because the distance is unbearable. No. He doesn't love me like the way he did anymore. It can't be true. He might have never loved me, he was wrong about what he felt for me initially and he had thought about it for two weeks now. This is the part where I get delusional, pathetic but more aggressive than ever. I was going to fight for him to stay right here with me, partially selfish, mostly afraid of losing him. He means THAT MUCH to me. He agrees that we would be having a break from the relationship for now. To be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to fulfill my promises to visit him during Christmas. It's about three months away, and with my savings and pay, if I were to get a job at Starbucks, I'd be getting 500 per month which adds everything up to 2000. I need about 4k or more to cover my expenses while I'm there. I don't want to burden the Darlings. Mom and dad were nice enough to let me stay at their house.

I was clutching Shhterryeep (the stuffed sheep that I use to pretend that it's him) tight in my sleep. And I was crying due to the realization that no matter how hard I try, it'll never be enough. Not until I get there and he might not even like me. I realized from whenever he breaks up with me, we won't be Terry and Von anymore (looked like Tom & Jerry for a second); we would be just von and "Terry with someone else". I cannot accept the fact that he would be making someone else smile a lot by being mad flirtatious with her. And the fact that the distance is so painful for him to deal with that it has come to this extent. We have been through this for more than a year now. Another two years is too much to ask, I am aiming to go to University of Miami, which is closer to him since Eckerd in Saint Petersburg is still too far away from him. I've promised, I would visit him during Summer, which, I CAN fulfill because it gives me more time to save the money I need.

As much as I hate this happening, you are right, I need to let go. It is hurting the both of us in some way. But it's just so god damn hard to even if I lie to myself that everything is going to be fine. I've fallen for you, fallen for you hard. I have grown to love the way you fart (yes, fart) and responding the way that would make you laugh. I love your laugh, your teeth (as much as you hate them), whatever that made you you. I've fallen in love with everyone of your family members (Dad, Mom, Jarred, Brett, especially Brett because you love bullying him, and of course, Kelsey, although I do not know them well enough but trust me, I want to. Our babies; Koga, Princess, Sabrina, Prix, Dream and Eclipse. And the turtles and Blue, the peacock). It hurts a lot when you say you love me less, even if it's true, I'm the one that loved you less all this time because I was the one that was causing most of the drama in our relationship. You were right about me being a troll. I apologize.

I would still have feelings for you and jeopardize whatever you have with another girl. Then again, these feelings might not fade away. I will not have my hopes up that we might be able to fix our relationship. I'm being a broken record now but I rather feel pain than not feel anything at all. I'm sorry this post is super long, I just need to tell you how I feel about you, that I'm sorry for what I did. I know how it hurts Terry, I know it does. I'll do anything to make it up to you. But now I just sound pathetic and desperate since you're pulling my unlimited supply of drugs away from me. I CAN live without you, I don't need you. I just rather have you in it with me than anyone else if that makes sense. So do whatever you see fit.