Something with Substance.

Monster

2011-11-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

Let's just hope my self-theorized calming technique will keep me sane enough to not do something stupid.

The last thing I want to do is break my promises made with dad and Patrick.

Yes, I'm aware I'm a monster.

I am unruly, ignorant and uncontrollable. I act upon impulse whenever I feel like it, where ever I want sometimes. But what kind of monster will it make me that made people think I would raise my hands against my mother? A good-for-nothing monster. If people say I am that kind of a monster, then I do not even deserve to be called a monster because even monsters would know better.

They say knowledge is power.

Now, I can tell you, knowledge is bull. The more you know, the harder it is to survive in this household. Psychology taught me that no parent should ever, ever be violent against their child. That abused kids only understand one word commands. Of course, that is in an individualistic culture's context. In a collectivist context, that's just tough love. Studies have shown that Asian children whom grew up with autonomy parenting style strive for affection, thus, being overachievers. They know their parents love them. Knowledge taught me, humans need motivation to know that they are doing well. To feel appreciated.

How does it all link?

It started on Sunday because I did not dry the clothes. As I was cooking earlier, I noticed the stench and made a mental note to wash it when the maid is almost done with her chores so she can dry it later and so it does not stink again. My mother was complaining about it when she got home. According to her, she sent me a message the day before to dry it and she went into the toilet while I was eating my lunch. A message that I did not receive but I did not find out about this until much later. I told her I was asleep the whole day before and did not notice her message. She proceeded to say that if we do not want to help out, everyone should just do their own things. She continued nagging on how no one helped her. It was unfair to me because I have helped out on several occasions, thus, I voiced out my discomfort of her statement. I asked her what does she mean by "not helping out" and stated that I did help out. That must have came out rude to her because apparently, she took it offensively and told me to list down the things that I helped out with. I kept quiet for a bit. A dilemma was boiling up in me; to just be quiet and deal with this again and again, or not? She insisted that I list everything.

I began listing down things out of anger.

Things such as opening the doors for the maid, despite needing to wake up earlier than my usual time because she's never around when she calls for the temporary maids, washing and drying the clothes when I notice the huge pile, folding them, helped her fold them when I was just going to get water, clean the floor whenever she asked me to, even cooked and offered to pack food for the family, washed the dog (she'll just say the dog is my responsibility) and even scrubbed the toilet occasionally. The things that I have never done prior to Aini's departure. Lo and behold, she started assuming that I was complaining that I had to do those things. That I NEVER do anything on my own will. That I am not being appreciative of the things she had done for us, that I should not even complain because I have it better than anyone else. THAT I DID NOT DO ALL OF THOSE RECENTLY. Of course I have not. Being particularly tied up with college is not what I want to either, especially with the assignments due.

The issue was wanting to feel appreciated, even the slightest.

The issue to her was a lament of needing to do all these things. That I do not want to do it. She went on yelling about if that's the case that I should just clean and fold my own things while walking out of the dining room. Being so filled with rage, I just yelled back that I would. If what I'm doing isn't appreciated, then why bother? It's the same as cleaning my own things only. She walked back in, with a finger pointed to my face, told me to shut up. SHUT UP! The words I hear countless times while growing up. "SHUT UP. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU CRYING." "SHUT UP, YOU KNOW YOU SULKED." "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP."

No.

I would not shut up. She came closer, an effort to intimidate me in my seat. She repeated herself; to shut up. Looking at her and her actions, a shot of distaste spread within myself. What's the difference between the way she disciplines the dog and the way she tries to discipline me? I'm not a dog. All it takes was for you to tell me my mistakes in a calm manner. To rebut that, she said she's the one that provides me with food, clothes and shelter, so she has every right to command me to shut up. I stood up, wary that if I argue anymore, what comes next is a slap. And if I were to continue, there will be more to come. It's funny how it is so predictable. What was funnier was self defense became offensive. I slapped her. Notice the sarcasm. She has scratches on her arms. I have scratches on my face. Sure, I slapped her. Ivan walked out and went by her side immediately. Yes, I have made that kind of image where I would be the one that goes out on my way to hurt her all the time.

Knowledge taught me one thing.

Nature or nurture: either way, it is still the parents' fault. Dad was absent through most of my development since they divorced, taking Ivan with him, and I'm left with this violent household. I'm not blaming anyone, that is just how it has to be. At the age of 8 to 13, some nights were just pure nightmare, having to deal with the arguments between her and her husband. If she says I am the monster that would lay my hands on her, it would just intrigue me as much, as it takes a monster to breed a monster. It took a mad scientist to create Frankenstein. All those slaps, beatings and that very night being locked up in the room for something I did not do. Don't you think that show that VIOLENCE solves things?

Violence is a notorious cycle.

A cycle passed from one generation to another. Violence was passed on by my aunt and uncle to my mom and I fear that, one day, I would be one of them and this will be passed on to my kids. Dad says violence is never the solution to anything all the time. There are times where I would tell her that she need not yell at me to get her point across in a calm manner, it got worse. Sure, I am rebellious and I believe strongly in equality and justice, as she taught me. She wanted the system to be more just and fair, yet, she is not being fair herself. They say she is stressed, I should be more understanding, yet it is wrong for me to be stressed, just because I'm younger and supposed to endure all these pile of junk thrown my way. They say I need anger management; I do but what is the point with anger if they had listened to what I had to say in the first place?

Give and take.

I just want to run from this place the first chance I get and it does not matter where.

Cookies & Cream

2011-07-14T03:58:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I abandoned my blog.

I guess writing doesn't do me much good now but I promised myself that I would keep writing no matter what. People would read what I have to say, in hopes that it would change their assumptions by shedding light to the topic. What more is there to shed? The damage is done. I am the easy slut.

Yes, I am the easy slut.

In his eyes, I was the one that drifted away, leaving him to tend the sinking ship. Our Titanic that we, now, fail to save. So called indestructible ship. Funny though. When he left me twice to save the sinking ship, he didn't say anything about it. "All you have to do now is to get on the life boat with me." Whatever happened to that?

I'll tell you what happened.

April 29th did. Patrick came to visit and I showed him around. By that time, I was interested in Patrick since he's been there for me throughout my breakup with Terry. Patrick was the reason why Terry and I got back after the first breakup. He asked for Terry's permission to be in a relationship with me and Terry got jealous. A few months later, he didn't want to stay in a long distance relationship but persuaded me that he doesn't love me anymore. I kind of guessed that this was coming, so I didn't need much preparation for another heartbreak because there wasn't a whole heart to break to begin with. However, it triggered someone I don't even recognize from within me. This person was very desperate. My grades were not the best grades ever due to my part time job, I stole my passport from mom so I can go to the embassy to get my US visa, and I planned to above all, run away, not knowing how I'll face everyone here when I get back. I planned that I would be there in in two days from now, which is the 17th of July and it would be his birthday gift as well. Eventually, it was a madhouse in here that mom had to lock up my passport somewhere out of my reach and that basically just tied my whole entity to this dreaded soil. The pain dulled day by day, until one day when I had a funny dream about a Twilight haunted house, he called. I didn't know who it was, so I continued my sleep. The next day, I called him and he told me that he's certain that he loves me.

He loves me.

But I don't want to go through with another heartbreak when I'm already making such a good progress on moving on. And so I said, give me two months of being single, prove yourself that you're here to stay for real and then I'll consider taking you back. The reason why I said this was part of me still feels strongly about him and the other part is just screaming that I should move ahead. When Patrick came, there's just this bond that I could not explain. Like, we've known each other forever. Meeting him, learning our similarities and just watching him click with my family members. Language barrier didn't stop him from communicating with my grandparents although it was tedious to be a translator but he promised he'd try to learn the language. The way he make people around him laugh, even when it wasn't his intention to, was just pure magic. I guess you can say I kind of envy him? There's this one time that we were waiting for the bus and he was drinking soda. I wanted to adjust my jacket and he assumed that I was poking him and he flinched, laughed then choked on his soda. The old lady sitting opposite of us began roaring with laughter and choked too. That made me laugh and he laughed too and he choked again. The other time was when he told mom how his stepfather called his mother a turkey and went "gobble gobble". It was an amusing story to me but mom laughed until she cried. Heck, dad even bought him a mini RC helicopter. That's something I have never seen before.

For the first time in a few months, I had nothing to worry or frown about.

Not going to lie and tell you it was all butterflies and rainbows, I did cry a few times. We both did. First time when I pretended to get frustrated over a lie he told me, then he cried when I refused to face him or talked and I started crying for real because I felt guilty of making him so upset that he just kept quiet too. Then it was when he didn't want to go back and we went for a run. Well, I went for a run and he jogged. Curse you short legs. Then I cried about him leaving. So that's when I realized I fell for Patrick.

And the next part, you guys already know the story.

It looks like I cheated on him, I'm the mean bitch that broke his heart. Whatever you called me. In the end, I got hooked again on my drugs.. But oh well. I'm doing just fine right now, aren't I? Drinking and partying like it's nobody's business! Kind of. ~

Well, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I miss you. A whole bunch. I miss the times we had. If I have a remote control for life, I would replay it over and over again. If only you're here.

Purgatory

2011-05-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Would these tears fall if I have not met you and feel something so strong that had been building up over the times we spent together?

And I wonder and wonder.

I read the letter you wrote over and over again as I sit in the chair, enveloped in your scent. You're high up in the sky now, unreachable. I'll be completely honest. Before you came, I had it all planned. I was going to tell you that I am staying put to where I wanted to be, that resisting you would be a breeze. Nothing but a stroll in the park. I would in turn test your honesty and sincerity throughout the duration. Everything went according to plan on the first day. Little do I know, that door I've been trying to pry open changed my mind completely.

Impact came creeping in so slowly.

As slow as it is, it hit hard. Walking together in the mall, movies, time spent talking in your room, time you spent trying to wake me up because I fell asleep while you got ready, just lying down on the bed, hugging Lion, the way you gently kissed, yet you agreed to be just friends because I wanted it that way. Thinking back, I was being selfish. Scratch that, I still am selfish. When we were in Genting, I cried not because you lied about her, but because I wanted to see what you would do. Of course, it hurt knowing that you did but it's nothing worth crying over for. After all it's in the past. You apologized profusely as you try to get me to face you. Hearing you cry after, shattered my heart. I hate that sound. Absolutely HATE it. I would do anything just to take it all back but I couldn't.

I'm really glad I got sick.

Every time I sneezed, I get to hear you laugh and see you smile. Remember when you scared me yesterday and I said "You scared my sneeze away! Sneezing is like the orgasm of having flu."? Orgasm comes from the satisfaction of hearing you laugh. Yesterday, you refused to walk with me like we usually do. When you said "just so you don't get used to it", I was screaming "Idiot!" in my head. Driving back from the airport without you there to my left feels so wrong. No more "Nopeeeee, babe, babeeeee, be nice." for now, according to you.

That's when I realized I tripped.

I decided not to tell you when you're still here. I fear you might be toying with me, knowing how you enjoy flirting with other girls, getting them to fall for you, then you'd burn them. I don't want to be one of those girls whom are nothing but trophies of your triumphs. I do not want to be one of those silly dollies that you convince you care for them. I want to know what you truly feel, and if you mean it or not. This morning I saw your message to Minchi, dated 28 April 2011, a day before your flight. "Done installing skype, hun?" It irks me to the maximum at the sight of endearment addressed to someone else. I got super jealous when I don't usually do but I can't even blame you. Not like we're together. It makes me wonder if your words are true or not though. I dare not question you since I only have a few hours left to spend with you. I have to make every second count. I bet you were checking what I've been keeping from you too huh?

I screwed up on that part.

I didn't want you to worry and feel insecure, yet what I did was not to be applauded. It's like keeping a spare wheel in your trunk, just in case the one you have fails. A trampoline. Now I wish you're still here when I read the letter, so I can bite you. These tears wouldn't be here now if you're not important to me pero nagtitiis ako kasi mahal kita. Napakahalaga mo sa aking buhay.

Mahal na mahal kita, Patrick.

Foolish

2011-02-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

So mom finally let me travel to Florida for the summer.

All I have to do now is to wait for his decision, and not let him know about this because this will cloud his judgement. Every single day, I wished something would change. We would be back together and be the way we used to be, as if nothing happened at all. But now, my feelings are numb. No joy of being successful in my own battles to win this war, but perhaps a tinge of disappointment and sadness as I watch my knight give up his internal battle. The last battle that decides it all. Epic, no?

I wish I know what he wants, what he dreams of, what he feels and what he thinks.

I wish I can guide him through, or he would accept some guidance from someone else and not be driven by his own hormones. I wish he would just snap out of his unjustifiable logic.

I just wish.

If I do know, I shall be Supervon. Just saying. I shouldn't let him walk all over me like a doormat. I should be taking over the rein. Fuck, why am I so pathetic? Lead your own fucking life.

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more; it's a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing." ~ Shakespeare.

Diagnosed!

2011-02-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

So I was going into the clinic to get my injections with mom.

After going through all that drama, I wasn't feeling like myself. I couldn't sleep the night before and I skipped work because I fear that people would ask me why I'm depressed. I thought these people are positively reinforcing the act of self-pitying by pitying me. I do not want to be mopey so I stayed home. When I got to the clinic, mom told the doctor that I've been going through a lot recently and asked him if I should be off of my injections. After hearing his story on how he eloped to UK for 6 months, how he helped a girl with her thesis and she cheated on him, after hearing him calling me stupid and how I deserves to be slapped, he told mom I have low cortisol levels.

What is cortisol?

I didn't know. Google is my answer for almost everything. Wonders of the Internet!

Early symptoms are generic and can be easily confused with other disorders, specifically, fatigue, headache, weakness, dizziness and orthostatic hypotension (low blood pressure upon standing). Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are often present as well as an inability to tolerate cold temperatures. Left untreated, the symptoms progress into muscle weakness, weight loss, dehydration, hypotension, irritability and depression as well as darkening of the skin. Ultimately, pain in the abdomen, back or legs, collapse of the peripheral blood vessels and extreme weakness would all indicate adrenal crisis.

This condition can develop into Addison’s disease which is a serious medical condition which can be life threatening. Low cortisol symptoms are primarily seen in people who are between 30 and 50 years old. Low cortisol symptoms must be treated with prescription medications for the remainder of one’s life. It is important that people who have hypocortisolism never miss a dose of their medication because they can go into adrenal failure and die. If you are experiencing low cortisol symptoms you should see your doctor for a check up and evaluation.

And I have the symptoms in bold.

It's probably nothing. I mean, the doctor said I should just take more meat and what not, so it can't be serious right? And I do not think I should get prescription medication because knowing me, I would miss a dose of my medication. BUT NOW, I'm not to be blamed for my depression. It is not self induced! I guess I just do not have the right mechanism to cope with stress/my parts are broken.

Yeah, people are calling me stupid.

Living in a fantasy, selfish, you name it. Reality is too brutal. I just wish I can live in my dreams forever. You say, go make your dreams come true, go do whatever you like. I want to make my dreams come true, I want to do what I like to, but you say what I would like to do is stupid. I'm stupid. Everything I do is stupid. I guess, I'm starting to believe them myself. I am stupid..

The BIG Finale!

2011-02-11T20:33:00.000-08:00

Mmm, I seriously do find this drama interesting.

The reason why her picture is a facebook guy is because she has me blocked. I must say, fueling the drama makes it die down so fast, it's crazy! And now I even have proof for defamation to sue her. I guess her defense was to deflect what I said to her onto me. If you're reading this, I blog about it, because I think it's funny. It's somewhat like my personal outlet, who cares who reads it. Now everyone thinks she is easy and she does not like that. Even if I were the one that spread the news, it wouldn't make much of an impact. Her actions led to her infamous title. They just won't say it to her face. I will.

If you're going to show this to her, be my guest.

I don't care how bad it seems anymore because she made my reputation bad enough. So why not just act like a bitch like what she has been feeding everyone that would let her leech on their sympathy? So much for staying on the fence and not getting involved. You should win a Grammy's award or something more grand. The best actor and for staying on the fence OH SO WELL. You're doing a perfect job and a round of applause for yourself, please. insertsmileyfaceofyourchoicehere

I got what I wanted.

I trolled her to the extent that she blocked me. Yay! I kind of failed at being a grammar nazi though. LOL! Other people thinks... It should be think instead.

Decorating a Book's Cover

2011-02-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

Not feeling so fly like a G6 after all!

I'm so tired of my look. Everyone have their hair done and I'm like the kid that does NOTHING to her hair except for washing it and occasionally blow dry it. I must do something about it...

I KNOW.

So today I woke up being scared about going through with my plans. I've planned on popping my hair's cherry/dye my virgin hair. Mom bought me a box of hair dye because I once asked her if I could dye my hair and I would be getting the specific color that is not gaudy to me.

I got Liese by Kao in Sweet Pink!

I am intrigued by the foam, to be honest. I thought that I could be playing with bubbles as I dye my hair and it would be fun doing so rather than looking all bored with hair dye that requires more energy to ensure that the color spreads evenly. Liese apparently claims their hair dye would give of an even finish.

Trying to be the model but I fail.

She's so much prettier!

Bwahahahahhhaa!

I am mixing the chemicals by pouring solution one into the bottle of solution two slowly while reading the manual provided.

Two layers!

And it is starting to stink.

I'm a genius!

I mixed the solution without any bubbles foaming. ~ Iced peach tea, anyone?

Oh no!

I forgot to comb my hair to untangle my hair.

The mixture's darker now.

It looks like Coke/Dr Pepper. Mmm. ~

The assistant, Aini!

Putting the gloves on like a surgeon.

I'm still scared..

It really foams!

OH MY. I got too excited..

And we emptied the bottle.

Usually people with my hair length requires two packs of hair dye to dye their whole head but one of this is enough to get the color on my hair evenly.

And it is time to wash it off!

Ivan, my hair dryer/stylist.

I don't see any difference..

Maybe I need to go somewhere brighter.

Justtttttt a litttttttttttle now.

Ivan said my hair was too dark to begin with. I should've just bleached my hair and dye it cotton candy pink or baby blue.

Hair lotion to moisturize your hair.

I'm pretty messy.

It doesn't look like lotion if you can't see the packet in the picture. Looks more like.. yeah.

Maybe all I need is sunlight!

Thereeeee! At least you can see some color now. Hee. I cheated.

~~~

For the past half year, my life has been filled with drama.

Drama that were thrown at me from left, right, up, down, front and back. I think if I have the opportunity, I would definitely sell my life story to some big shot producer and it would definitely be a mega hit series. Drama, drama, drama. I just want to be me, so why won't the dramatic bitches leave me alone? I want back my dramaless life, please and thank you. Now, it seems like no matter how hard I try to be honest, there are certain times that I will not be able to gain trust, just because they believe in what other people are telling them, despite me showing them proof. Terry's right. If these people would doubt me for what other people said to them, they are not good enough to even be considered my friends. Except, I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to be liked by them. Oh well, like I said, Terry's right. No use trying to win back someone whose trust for me is so fragile that it would break at the mere sight of accusation. I bet they would believe it if someone said that I am a prostitute and I live in a brothel with a hundred men.

Dramatic bitch said that I backstabbed her.

She called me a psychotic jealous bitch of a girlfriend and YET, she had phone sex, knowing that. Who is the backstabber now, bitch? Little does she know, I'm over that. I laugh at that matter, actually. She's just a slut that is easily sweet talked into having cyber sex. Cyber sex is just having sex with yourself, or if you prefer the term masturbating, with someone else on the other end. What I do mind is your backstabbing, and the heck, who knows, the "bunch of people that texts you horrible things" are actually just one person.

People like dramatic bitch, should know not to mess with people like me.

Nice people are people whom everyone should look out for. It's like action potential, except with "assholes", their threshold is low but the message conveyed is generally mild, like a tickle. Whereas with nice people, they have higher threshold compared to assholes but that just means that the message conveyed would be more serious, like a kick to your crotch, severing your chances of celebrating father/mother's day forever. Yes, I think I am nice, and I am being somewhat full of myself. ~

After all these things, I realized fighting drama would make it worse.

For me. Trying to tone it down, would make it too much to bear with and requires lots of energy. As of now, I shall fuel drama as it is exciting. Very, very intriguing..

Did you forget?

2011-01-24T20:22:00.000-08:00

Everything is nothing but a pin drop silence.

This house is empty, deprived of the presence of our father since 13 years ago. And now, this house is nothing but an empty shell where we seek shelter at night. This house is nothing but a hotel, since our mother is not here as well. I would only be coming back during the weekends. Turn on the alarm and turn into bed. This is nothing but a daily routine now.

This place, is nothing but a fancy birdcage.

A birdcage that is built to keep everything out and keep us inside. The perfect combination. Then again, Ivan's cage has no lock to it. He is free to spread his wings. He is like a peacock; full of vanity, confidence and most probably flightless. He adores the attention he is getting, and he is satisfied with the amount of freedom he is entitled to. Every day, he struts out of the house with his head held up high, so proud of himself. I, on the other hand, feel like a Yellow Canary in a tiny Seraphine bird cage with a unique combination of 20 numbers to unlock the cage.

A canary in a birdcage.

With the view of the vast clearing beyond the lake. In the vast clearing stands a flamingo, beckoning, beckoning.. All I can do is to observe the exuberant flamingo from a distance. The kind I want, the kind I need, to call as my own. All I can do is watch.. not anymore. Retaliation comes with a cost. For over two years, all I did was watch. Watching my fondness for him and our love grow, watching the pain that grows with it. I watched him took flight into the unknown due to the pain. I want to fly with him. I want to spread my wings and venture into the unknown with him. I began thrashing with all my might. I need to break this cage. I just have to.

Breaking out is not as easy as it seems.

Promises made and broken, goals have been adjusted, made impossible when I have actually ACHIEVED them. Like the dent I made, the dent that gave me hope for a shot at freedom, the first flight, was immediately repaired, showing no signs of damage by my blows. The flamingo is leaving at dusk, leaving for real now. He lied. He is not really here to stay by my side through this. A threat to serve as a catalyst to break out of this enclosure. But I'm drained of all strength, both mentally and physically. I lack motivation to go on, yet I do not have the desire to stay anymore. What's worse than having to win the war all by myself, Hitler? So is death really the only way out of this cage?

Liarliarpantsonfire//Realitycheck

2010-12-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

First off, I never liked anyone lying to me.

I mean, who does? I've been lied to my whole life. If you're going to lie about "not farting" or someone else did it, it's not bad at all because it is funny. Doesn't it just irks you when people lie about serious matters that either involves someone's reputation or just to get sympathy from other people? Maybe it is just me, but I hate it when people put my reputation at stake JUST to get other people's sympathy and when the people I care about the most lies to me. Then again, I hate it when people lie to me in general (except when it is just a joke). Lies. Defense mechanism to cover up your flaws and mistakes, perhaps? Lies. The news about what Tess did had spread to various people and I found out on the day it was being passed on from one person to another. I had to go college immediately upon knowing the news and work right after class. The only person I told was Patrick and he said he's going to tease her about it. I made sure he mentioned that he heard it from me because she was involved with the person I care about with although we were not together back then. To cover her mother flamingo super slutty move, she lied. What about? She said the "rumor" is not true. She added that when she TOLD me, I promised her NOT to tell anyone. What's wrong then? Number one, I DID NOT, I repeat, DID NOT hear this from her. Second, why would I even be so calm to PROMISE her NOT to tell anyone at all? She's doing things to the PERSON I TRULY CARE about. Third, I had no access to the internet, whatsoever, so how could I have spread the news? Bitch. If I were the one that did it, I would GLADLY take the blame.

Today was a crazy day.

I had this discount coupon from Fullhouse that is about to expire tomorrow. So I invited two people, since I'm sure there would be someone backing out from the invitation. Ivan said he's busy and the other person agreed to go out with me. I asked him to bring along his friends as well. He seemed eager to. I warned him that the price may be a little pricey, asking him if he would be okay with it. He did not say anything but asked me when we are meeting up. Then he proceed to say that he forgot he had to attend a party. So I went with Ivan instead since he had no plans for tonight. I found out that the discount coupon was for clothes instead of meals and beverages. I didn't know Fullhouse has clothes.. Ivan threw a fit about wasting his time, teehee. We had Popeye's instead and oh, how I love Ivan. He's so funny. He was stereotyping the American African in the menu-thingy. "He looks so happy in this fried chicken outlet!" Ivan went shopping for his earrings and as we walked around, I forgot that I need to get clear nail varnish to repair my dress. As we walked towards the store, guess who I saw? :3 Party guy!

Reality check; I need one badly.

I was wrong when I said maybe in three months time, Paranoid Von would perish. I think Paranoid Von would come and go as she wishes to. I think maybe, just maybe, Paranoid Von is here because I'm afraid that I would lose you again. The fear of losing you has driven me to extremes, as you have seen. By letting Paranoid Von in, my expectations would be minimal and the more I am suspicious of you, probably, the chances of being hurt won't be that much since I am expecting it to happen..? Chances are, I would still be hurt.

Why would it hurt?

We have been together for a while now. Each morning I wake up thinking of you. Every night you would be the last thing on my mind. I still get excited when I talk to you and I get butterflies every time I see your pictures. I forgot what I was doing when I look at your pictures. Every thing feels like the first time. I am easily soothed by your presence. A little part of me melts within this cavity of mine. Everything you do is just so damn adorable. Everything feels.. magical. I guess what we have now, is different from what I had before. I've never always been in love with you. No, not at all. It was more like falling in love over and over again each day, each time harder and deeper. And my eyes intend to focus on you and you only. With you, anything is possible. I do mean anything. I can bare myself to you, pouring out the essence of why I am this way. It's like you are the only one with the key to unlock the door. Corny, I know, but this is what I feel. Why are people so particular about the distance? You're closer to me than anyone else are. You are like a button/phone call away! Which is amazingly near. Please don't be discouraged when we have obstacles to overcome. Please finish this race with me. One more thing.. Will we have another violin concert soon, please?

After 2 years, 2 months and 8 days..

Here we are, still together. You're on ventrilo with me now. And you farted. Eww! But you're right, a part of you rubbed off on me, in sooooo many ways unimaginable, and I really do wish you are here to stay. I would love to be able to spend time with you. That our relationship is one that is filled with honesty, loyalty, trust and other things. ~ I am working on trust though, so I am sorry if I act up sometimes, not letting you into my heart and thoughts. The truth is, I'm just keeping my distance because I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I get close to you and if something bad were to happen (I hope not), I would be hurt again. But being afraid does not mean I do not want to get close to you. How I long to get close to you again. Then again, nothing much has changed between us, now, did it?

For what it's worth, it has been a while.

And everyone knows this for a fact. The fact that.. I love you more!

25/12/10; Christmas

2010-12-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

Spending half day of Christmas alone.

Got one ORANGE shirt and some money.

Spent the day staring at the screen, waiting for replies that are not coming.

I'm not complaining. It's just another day.

Paper stars

2010-12-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

Something genuinely happy.

To conjure this post is a major task. I am doubting myself. I do not know if I am able to let these emotions ooze out to the readers like how my other posts have touched people. I do not know if people would perceive these newfound emotions genuine as I, do not even know what I'm feeling..

HAH. I LIED.

First things first. We shall start from the not-so-important matters. Working in this kids clothing store made me feel like a major pedophile and I'm already notorious for my pedophile image, thanks to Terry. Why do I feel more like a pedophile? Parents do not comprehend the purpose of the fitting rooms. They would just strip their kids in the middle of the store and their kids would run around butt naked. Parents do not even bother to let their kids wear undergarments, hence, how I wish Photoshop can be applied to in real life situations. I would pixelate their kids like how they would pixelate cleavages from Beyonce's music videos in Malaysia. AND THE KIDS, oh my god, THE KIDS, would run around and turn around to smile at me. They're adorable, don't get me wrong, but it's just.. Asian parents should start being more Asian when their kids are still young.

I mean, SOME Asian parents are conservative.

When you are a teenager and you wear something that exposes your "gifts" a little, they would go "AIYOH. Why you wear like that? Not enough cloth ah? You asking for rape!" News flash: You bought the clothes, you gave us freedom to choose what to wear (in my case, mom chose them for me.) and two, if we were to ask for rape, it would not be rape, now, would it? Yet, when we are younger, they would let us run around butt naked, jump into the bathtub with our brothers (BUBBLES!), just because we're still innocent. Maybe that's how incests occur? Probably. When we hit puberty, the word "sex" is like a taboo.

But my Asian parent is different though.

Mom loves making sexual innuendos these days. Just LOVE it. We were making cookies to sell and there were slightly overbaked almond cookies. Like these;

She had to say the darker ones look like "Boobs with cancer" with a little giggle at the back. Mom's giggles are like von's giggles. We both squeak when we do, so I guess I got that from her too. Squeakiness, smile AND sexual innuendo abilities? ~

It's that time for Terry slot again.

He told me to write about him. *shrugs* This time, there is FINALLY a twist. The plot has changed 180 degrees, again, or 360 degrees from what it was initially. Whatever..

HE'S BACK, HE'S BACK, HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!

DUN DUN DUN! ~ I can say this over and over again without any hesitation or doubt. But I do not know if he's back for how long. This, scares me a whole lot.. Someone was commenting on how skinny Terry is and how ribs and pinched fat rolls aren't really abs. To which, I replied, he's not skinny at all, he's lean but muscular. Then the topic went onto how big his arms are. They are big, don't get me wrong, I just wish I could tell him how I love Terry just the way he is. If you're reading this, this is me telling you what I wanted to say. I should have told you despite the topic change.

To the people that said he would not come back,

The people who said that I should not keep my hopes up high for the return of his presence and that what we will have even if he does come back will be different;

I TOLD YOU SO!

In your faceeeeeee, bish.

Terry;

Today is December 23rd, 2010. Happy twentysixth monthniversary.

Lessthanchree.

Paranoia

2010-12-01T01:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Paranoid Von,

Every time you come around, something is bound to happen. A confrontation is bound to occur. You accuse everyone of everything, saying that they are lying even when they are being plain truthful. You can't trust, you can't love. Why are you still here? You are afraid that he would hurt you again. That he might have someone else there or want someone else. If he does, why would he linger? Why would he tell you he loves you when right now, at this moment, you cannot offer anything that's worth using because of the distance? Why would he stay? It has to mean something. You want to give him three month as a probation period, you want him to think properly before diving into the abyss again so he won't hurt you. You are trying to keep your distance. What happened to the risk taker?

Love, von.

Dear Von,

If that is the case, why are you still insecure? The key is acceptance. You still have shadow of doubt about you. Three months and maybe you'll get some light to counter the darkness.

Love, Paranoid Von.

I think I found my glimmer of light.

Broken radio (Warning: Emo post)

2010-11-20T05:04:00.000-08:00

Love.. makes everyone vulnerable.

Maybe it does not, but I am as sure as the sun would rise that it makes me vulnerable. I feel weak and helpless. The warm, fuzzy feeling had been stripped away like industrial strength duct tape on a hairy guy. I opened up my heart to you and asked you politely not to break it. You promised you would not break it and you will keep it forever. 在心里清晰. Google translate fails! It is driving me crazy. Each time you tell me something, your words contradict with your actions. You tell me you love me, but you want to date other girls and you do not talk to me much anymore. You tell me you want me but you would not even fight for me. You tell me you get jealous when you see someone else saying that they love me, but you do not even want our relationship to prevent it from happening.

I keep telling myself, enough is enough.

No more emotional posts, please. No more sappy/sad/angry posts. No more fake happy posts. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to be like Lyn Si, be as optimistic as she is but I would never be like her because everyone has a different levels of optimism. Lyn Si passing away made me think about everything. There she was, struggling to keep her life and I am wanting to end mine. Wouldn't it be nice if we were to switch place? Lyn would be here right now at least. Then again, I should not be having these thoughts. What would other people feel? Restraining myself just is not working out so well. I wrote a bloody long post about why you make me angry, depressed and happy which I am never going to post. Posting it could lead to one of two things; you can either realize stuff or just leave me in the dark. I was so afraid that you would the latter that I was careful with everything i post.

November 24th;

Today, I told Patrick I did not want to talk to you, just in case I hear something I do not want to. It has to be done though. No matter what, it has to be done. I have to know. Bracing myself for the epic battle with confusion.. "..Hello?"

I had to make you choose between me and them.

Of course I want our relationship back, but if you don't, I am not going to force it on you. So with that aside, it's me or other girls. Initially you picked to date other girls over me, thinking that I am making you get into the relationship with me. The way I phrased it was offensive to you, I suppose. "So you're choosing other girls over me?" I told you, I hate sharing you with other people. You said you don't like sharing too. I said that as if you're mine, but you're not mine anymore. Seven more months and I would be there. Seven more months and I could be with you. Seven more months and you couldn't wait.

But we had a promise.

You pinky promised that you would drop every relationship you have with them when I get there. This serves as my motivation to work, right? We talked about other stuffs that I can't recall now. It felt right at that moment. After hanging up, I realized I forgot to ask you something I've been meaning to ask you if you had any sexual contact with girls during the so-called break period but you did. You admitted that you had that girl you find annoying blow you.. I did not panic, really. I was just very upset. Shouldn't these kind of things be SPECIAL? I mean, it's supposed to be meant to be done by someone you truly love, but that's in my opinion. Sure, it's fun, even you can chuckle about it while asking me what is the point of having casual dates if there are not any fun involved, but it sounded like you were just using people for your own pleasure. Like it does not mean a thing to you. Faith-like, no offense. I made you promise that you would not do these things with anyone at all until I get there. You said I made you sound gay, which was kind of true I suppose. Then you rephrased it "I promise I would not have sexual contact with anyone but von." and said this is a promise you can keep.

To be honest, I do not know what to trust.

Promises have been made and broken. Broken promises could not be detected since I am ten thousand miles away. I want to believe in you. I really do want to believe that you can keep your promises. I have to WAIT and see. Yet again with the waiting.. If there is a machine that I can invent, I would like either a teleporting machine or a time machine. I wish I attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Maybe then I would know how to Apparate to where ever I want. Now that's fantasy. Your reality that set in after two years still seems like bull crap to me. You know I would see you soon.. I hope you're truthful about everything. Now, all I have to do is take a deep breath and aim. One bullet, it either ricochets off and kills me OR I would hit my target with a percentage of 110%. Aiming for the bullseye.. A deep breath..

Broken promises and lies.

You don't know what they do to me. I'm sorry I have been in extremes. To be soothed, I need to know you are going to be there with me. I can't just THINK you would be there. You have to convince me with your actions and your actions are saying the opposite. Waking up in the morning feeling like being punched in the abdomen every morning by some invisible force isn't fun at all. Not very P Diddy-like. It happens every morning. I managed to bury my feelings for you, somewhat, but the slightest sight of your name or what you said made all these feelings resurface. I have been lying to myself. So, I planned. I would off myself if the pain gets too much to handle. Enough is enough. And today, it was too much. 10:23 PM, on 11/24 would be it..

But now, it's time to enjoy to the maximum.

Terry, I am sorry for being impatient. I had my mind set on hitting the target fast and accurately but I have no confidence in myself. I keep thinking that there is a time limit for things to be done. The target is moving at random speed, sometimes, all I see is a blur. I'm so afraid you would move on without me, so afraid of being left behind, so afraid to lose you. I am trying hard to catch up but your strides are longer compared to mine. I do not want to lose my Terry.

Alex, Brian, I'm sorry I scared you shitless, that you had to be a part of this.

And Patrick, I'm sorry I hurt you. I know what I want now.

I'm not going to follow through with my plans for now.

15 November 2010; Condolences.

2010-11-15T07:05:00.000-08:00

So many things have been happening this past year.

Things that made me feel happy initially and for some reason, it seems like a greater force is trying to withdraw the happiness I felt as if they granted happiness to the wrong person. "Oh! We gave the wrong von happiness! Let's take it away." First, the break up. Now, a dear friend passed away. Throughout 2007 to the beginning of 2010, was probably the better years of my teenage life. In Convent Green Lane, I felt like I belonged like a piece of cloth on a patchwork of many different colored cloths and each of them are vibrant and unique. Lyn Si was one of them.

Caryn's arm, Lyn Si, von's arm

Lyn Si is one of a kind.

She was so bubbly, exuberant, kind, outspoken.. and the list goes on. You left us this morning without letting us know. It was all so sudden despite the fact that we know the struggles you are going through. No, Lyn Si is a strong person, that can't be it. It mustn't be real. But it was. When I got the message from Caryn, I stood where I was and stared at my phone. Gwendeline was talking to me but everything seems to be going by slowly. I looked up at Gwen and just said "My friend passed away." expressionless. She hugged me, yet I just stood there. I was just telling Gwen about going back to Penang to donate my blood to her but how I somehow get sick whenever I travel, about getting Dr Goh to help out with a fund raiser for Lyn's transplant, and her friend that passed on as well. How I told Gwen and Desmond I hope she would make it through. I have been thinking about giving up going to Florida to chase something that is of extreme importance to me and just give her my money, although it wasn't much. At least, it's something. How many times I thought about her, wanting to tell her I miss her, wanting to ask her out whenever I visit and I got too busy, too obsessed with my own life to remember. Some close friend I am, right?

Lyn Si,

There are so many things I wish I can do. I wish so badly now that I can tell you I love you, although I did manage to tell you I miss you and I wish we can hang out but I never took the initiative to call you whenever I am around. How I wish I can tell you that you are beautiful, despite the effects of the chemotherapy sessions you went through. All I can do now, is wish. I'm sorry I did not do these things. I'm sorry I let all those little things bother me so much that I forget to consider what you feel. I'm sorry for not being there for you.

To Lyn Si's family,

Thank you for being there with her through out despite the fact that it hurts. You guys are one of the strongest people I have ever seen. I would be ready to help out if you require my assistance. My deepest condolences to you.

Baby girl, you're probably rocking out in Heaven right now.

Though you are gone now, it doesn't mean your life ended. It's a new beginning. What you left behind with us, is your legacy. How you've touched other people's lives without knowing it, how you have changed the course of their life without hoping for anything in return. I would miss the random times you called me E-diot or Sachiko with Caryn, you and your colored pens, your fun self, watching House Bunny with you, talking all day long about Gaia, admiring your artwork. I love you. Until we meet again.

"People really die only when people they know forget them." (Patrick Carvajal, 2010)

I'm not going to let that happen.

PMS.

2010-11-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

I hate it when it is the time of the month.

I would be able to notice that it is coming soon. How? I am easily agitated, I tend to be more emotional and hurt the people around me. It is getting worse now for some reason. Mom can be considered as my victim, I suppose? I dislike it whenever she worries too much. I know she cares about me but it seems like she's going over the line just because I'm a girl.

I would just explode at her. For example, I was angry at her yesterday because I did not get my pay for working at Starbucks although it was only for three days. I had to give them a month's notice before I actually resign to get paid.

I had to quit my job as a barista at Starbucks

because I had to come home about 12-1 am every day because I had to do closing shift. I understand that she's worried about my safety, I mean I am too, that's why I drive along major freeways and avoid using the shortcut, which is dark and not safe. I have been parking near the entrance of the mall so that I would not have random pedophiles stalking me. Then I would drive like a mad woman on my way home, breaking all the speed limits so I would be safe and sound at home.

Yesterday, we went out for a movie.

We shopped a little and mom gave me about 4 pieces of clothes to try on and I took a pair of shorts but it was supposed to be two sizes too small. After trying on the clothes, I decided to take the red dress and the white top because others were absolutely hideous (as if I'm wearing a piece of table cloth) and I decided not to take the pair of shorts although it fits. When we got home, I wore the dress to show mom how it looks like. The dress was kind of revealing because people could actually see my cleavage. The white one, however, wasn't as bad. Still, according to her, it's something that screams out as "asking for rape". Mom, it's not rape if you ask for it.

I got another job!

I would be working tomorrow from 3 p.m. onwards. Apparently, they're letting me choose my uniform, and if I work for them for three months, I would be able to keep those clothes all for myself, free of charge! Plus, this time, they are paying me WAYYYYY better than Starbucks, but what I have to do is BORING. I sent in my application in hopes of getting a position in TopShop and instead of working in Topshop, I ended up in Pumpkin Patch! KIDS' CLOTHES. Why can't I be in TopShop? I would be able to see all those mehtrosexual guys, shopping for clothes, handling their credit cards, spying and stalking the really gorgeous ones.. BUT NOW I AM STUCK WITH STINKY, scratch that, little kids and their gorgeous father whom are mostly taken. All the good guys are taken somehow. WHY?

Perhaps one day, just one day, I would have someone that is willing to wait for me to prove how much he loves me. Ahh, my perfect, imperfect prince charming. ~

von.

Chatroulette; Going the Distance

2010-11-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

Out of boredom, I went on Chatroulette yesterday,

hoping to meet Steve Kardynal. He is one of YouTube's latest sensations, I suppose? He dresses up in bikinis and pretends to be a girl then reveal to guys that he's actually a guy. Their reactions were hilarious! Going on Chatroulette.. was by far disturbing, sort of. There were a lot of abnormal people. By abnormal people, I mean.. I had people asking me if I want to see their body or dick, I saw a female cleavage, 34982938471382 hairy, tiny dicks (I lost count) and a person that ejaculated on cam.

What was my reaction?

I don't think I had any expression on my face, neither fascinated or aroused(..?). I was even mean enough to scrunch my face up, pretending to not be able to see anything. THEN, I made a pouty face and signaled that it was tiny or say "Dudeeee, I need a magnifying glass to see your micro worm". To the people that asked me if I want to see their penis, I would reply "Would you like to see mine? ;D". Some people asked me what I meant with that and I nonchalantly said "My nine-inches long penis. Would you like to see it, too?" which is followed by a disgusted face and they would run away. I love being Asian, hahaha!

Despite all these creepers I've met,

There were three people that seemed normal. First guy was from Ohio, USA. We talked a little bit, found out that he's going to be a journalist, and how it's pleasant to finally not see a dick, literally. I had to go for dinner not long after that. After 123687 dicks, I met Mr Normal Guy number two. He had this space invaders t-shirt on, which was pretty awesome. He told me that he is going to be an aerospace engineer (it's the internet, I don't know if I should believe it or not, I mean, I told people I'm from Japan, and my name is Ming Ming. Why Ming Ming? I don't even know.), and he's Irish. Piercing blue eyes, ;-;. He asked me "So an amazing girl like you must have a boyfriend, right?" HAHHHHH. Boyfriend.. "No, I don't. :D" "Shocking." he said. "He broke it off because of the distance. *smileyface*" I could still smile while saying that particular line.. "Oh, so you just broke up? It is his loss then." After that I learnt that he does not have a girlfriend either. He's not ugly or anything and he seemed like a nice guy. THE THIRD GUY, was from London. In a nutshell, he offered to show me his thingy after telling me he has a girlfriend. So two out of three guys are genuinely normal, the third one was just horny.

Going the Distance;

It may seem like I just do not care anymore but deep down I cannot deny that I have already marked and saved a major space in my heart for you. Little do you know, I still think about you everyday. I wonder if you are doing the same. The hugs and kisses you give other girls, were supposed to be mine.. Feels like you have changed since I first met you. Seems like.. I am nobody to you now. If you do not want to keep this alive, please, stop keeping me hanging on your words. They feel like a thread that would break anytime. You are hurting me. It's either you just do not give a damn about it or you just don't know that you are.

davedays//lastsong

2010-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

This has been going on
Each second I look you're gone
You're not calling
It's time for me to move on
My friends were right all along
You keep falling away

Giving ups not easy
Its hard enough just saying

As much as I make believe
You're not really here with me
What was i thinking from the beginning
You didn't care at all

So here's your last song

I can leave it all behind
Or take another chance to find you
No where in sight
Going to the movies alone
Every scene that's shown
Reminds me of you

As much as I make believe
Something in side of me
Has got me hoping got me thinking
Who am I to assume

This love is crazy
Unpredictable maybe
You'll melt my heart like you did from the start
All over again like it's not the end..

Second year, yay!

2010-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY, Terry/Hubby/Baby/Sheep/Cookie with Cream!

We made it through another year!

Aren't you exciteddddddd? ;D ;D

I'm so excited I think I accidentally wet my pants. ~

Just kidding!

And hopefully we're going to be together for wayyyy longer than this!

If we're still not together physically, I'm sorry.

But know that, I am trying my best and I love you so much baby.

Gawd, I'm such a lousy girlfriend..

BUT YEAH, I still loooooooove you (more than you do!) a whole lot.

Again, thank you for putting up with my temper and what not.

I guess a year's like what.. 12 months of PMSing.

Holy bananas, I AM SO SORRY!

I'll make it up to you. ;-;

DID I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?

Too lazy to read what I wrote, I forgot.

If I didn't, I still love you way more than whatever you say x1.

Wait, that makes it equal..

WELL, it seems equal.. I'll + 0.1, just in case. ~

Mwahhhhhhhhh mwah! Double kiss for the awesomest fiancé ever!

Lots of lessthanchrees, hugs and kisses,

von

By the way baby, today is our first anniversary.

I'm writing this in advance because you're amazing like that.

Don't go changing, k?

I still want my white crayon with me next year.

We should unplug all the alarm clocks, shut the blinds and color in the super deluxe special edition Pikachu coloring book for a week.. or more. ;3

Probably more.. should kidnap you from school or something.

The little things I wish I can tell you now.

Anxiety

2010-10-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

Mom is probably one of the awesome yet weird people I know.

Why? We had these conversations that I bet most mothers would not have with their daughters. One being about my breast size. She could exclaim "Oh my, your boobs are HUGE! You don't need to spend 30 grand on plastic surgery anymore! HAHA." or "Ohhhhhhhhh, THAT GIRL HAS HUGEEEE BOOBS/ASS." out of nowhere. It would be epic if she ended her comments with an "I'd tap that.". Recently, she was persuading me to go out with people here so I can "get physical with" and not chase after a dream. To her, it is an impossible dream to achieve and I quote, "I don't care if you get pregnant while you try, I will take care of the baby." and being me, I asked her "So, are you saying that it's okay for me to go to America and get pregnant? *insert sarcastic smile here*" and she retorted "No. Only when you're here but you need to tell me that you're pregnant."

Every time she sees my Decepticon pendant,

she would ask "Transformers, huh? What are you going to transform into?" like she did after we watched a movie today. Without thinking, I answered a bird. "A peacock? You want to transform into a peacock?" I'm not surprised she mentioned peacock though. We watched The Other Guys yesterday and Terry screamed "I AM A PEACOCK, LET ME FLY." in one of the scenes. Do I want to be a peacock? No. I want to be a pigeon. Why do you want to be a pigeon? I want to be a pigeon so I can sh*t the hell out on people's head instead of them pulling my feathers out, one by one, to profit themselves with them. Mhm, I'm going to be a white pigeon. But mom, I love you.

"I heard him sealed it with a kiss and gently kissed her cherry lips.

I found that so hard to believe because his kiss belonged to me. How could an angel break my heart? Why didn't he catch my falling star?" I heard this song in the car, on our way home and it reminded me of Declan Galbraith. Now that I am listening to the cover of this song made by Declan, it is making me wonder why no one makes fun of him but people make fun of Justin Bieber? I guess Justin is more queer in a way or two and the fact that he has his own face on pillow cases, bed sheets, blankets AND he is trying to dominate the doll industry. Move over Barbie, Bieber is in now. Oh, how they're contaminating these poor girls' minds. There I go about Justin Bieber again. I need to realize that he's not really a joke anymore since he's probably one of the most overrated jokes out there.

So, I don't want to care anymore.

I have the Bed Intruder song stuck in my head. "We got your t-shirt. You done left fingerprints and all. You are so dumb, you are really dumb- fo real. " WHOLE DAY LONG. I like the way he talked on the news though. To Binge by Gorillaz is probably one of the best songs ever! Somehow it has this tropical-ness to it. Stop sending me mixed signals. Ahmahgad.

Ahh, one more week..

Nostalgia

2010-10-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I've been reminiscing today.

Oldies are awesomeeeeee!

Do you know these songs by reading their lyrics? (Answers at the end of this post!)

1) Went to a dance, lookin for romance. Saw barbara ann, so I thought Id take a chance with barbara ann, barbara ann take my hand.

2) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

3) The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin to make it better.

4) Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble. I love you, I love you, I love you ! That's all I want to say.

5) Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? Then we wouldn't have to wait so long. And wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?

6) Rise up this mornin', smiled with the risin' sun, three little birds pitch by my doorstep. Singin' sweet songs of melodies pure and true, sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

7) Stop, look and listen baby thats my philosophy. Its called rubberneckin baby but thats all right with me.

8) While you wished me well, you couldn't tell, that I've been crying over you, crying over you. Then you said so long, left me standing all alone. Alone and crying.

9) My head is saying "Fool, forget him!", my heart is saying "Don't let go." Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do. I'm hopelessly devoted to you.

10) All that it takes, one more chance. Don't let our last kiss be our last. Give me tonight and I'll show you I know everything changes. I don't care where it takes us.

So I decided to put my mask on, scream, shout and tell everybody that I'm doing just fine.

NOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT THEY ARE CALLED? Maybe some of them, hah. I will enlighten you then!

1) Barbara Ann - The Beach Boys

2) That's Amore - Dean Martin

3) Hey Jude - The Beatles

4) Michelle - The Beatles

5) Wouldn't It Be Nice? - The Beach Boys

6) Three Little Birds - Bob Marley

7) Rubberneckin' - Elvis Presley

8) Cryin' - Roy Orbison

9) Hopelessly Devoted to You - Olivia Newton John

10) About You Now - Sugababes

I lied about number 10 being oldies, lol. This song isn't THAT old. Number 9 is from Grease; yes, I loveeeeee Grease because I'm old school like that! Hah! I found out about Roy Orbison through America's Got Talent's winner, the ventriloquist. Three Little Birds, from I Am Legend, was sung to Samantha the Alsatian/German Shepard. Dad had an Alsatian called Samatha too. I wasn't too fond of her as a kid. She scares me.

Despite the fear,

Sam was one of the prettiest dogs ever. But I was afraid of her puppies too. I guess I'm not so much of a doggie dog person as a kid. I loved cats. I remember being in Grandma's old house, playing with them stray cats. One of them was called "Ong Ma Miao" because there's this old lady that lives there too (it's like a community house thing and grandmomma was the landlady) whom we used to call "Ong Ma" for some reasons unknown, that feeds this kitty everyday. Ong Ma Miao (Ong Ma's cat in hokkien) looked like.. a leopard, kind of. One day when I was playing with her, I suppose I was being too rough with her, she scratched me. I think that's how I developed my somewhat fear of cats. Don't get me wrong, I would still pat them kitties but when they try to paw me, I'd withdraw my hand automatically.

Despite the pain, I will try my best to get

like a bunch of kitties and doggies when I have my own place! I want a golden retriever, a siberian husky, two kitties and lots of toy dogs! Uber uber loveeee. Eclipse is fluffier now. She's like.. a bear instead of a dog. And her eyes are too small for dogs. Aren't dogs supposed to have like hugeeee round eyes, like Dream? Whenever she looks at me with her BIG brown eyes, wanting me to scratch her head, I just succumb to her wishes.

YOU

aren't thattttttttttttt hot, like ohmaigawd. I don't mean to be bitchy, but I just find it embarrassing to read self-absorbed comments like "You there in the mirror. You're so fudging hot, biatch!" I won't mind if they actually just need to boost their own confidence, but posting that kind of comments every single time gets to you after a while, you know? And that girl is not even pretty. Brian said SHE looked like a guy. Lol, that's meannnnnn.

Back

to the past; I just realized that I had my had my hair parting since I was young! The reason is pretty hilarious though. I wanted left parting just because my daddy had it when I was younger. He had longer hair before and he would slick it backwards with gel. He had this kind of mafia-ish look..? I guess I'm still my daddy's girl after all! I used to look like him when I was young and I would be proud whenever someone said that I look like him. I would get furious and secretly hate that person if they told me that I don't look like him. Now, I look more like mom, or so everyone says. Even dad. It's not a bad thing, both daddy and mommy are good looking people! (Yes, I sedang shiok sendiri right now. Har har har.) His surgery went well and he's home now, just in case if you're wondering. :D

Eternal sleep

2010-09-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Mom tells me I need to grow up.
That I need to go out there and do something besides going online. Little does she know, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Not like I'm skipping class or anything anymore now. Not like I am smoking or doing drugs. I could be an alcoholic but I'm not. How am I suppose to go out if I don't have anyone to go out with, since everyone is so busy with their own lives? I should join more activities in college. It is not the season for clubs and society yet. People are moving on, telling me I should to, it's the only RIGHT thing to do. It's either you give up or get up.. right? I don't want to grow up. I am rather fond of my childishness and I do not want to lose it.

Some people needs to STOP assuming that they know what I am doing.
I have reasons for doing things that I do now. No, I don't think sending him his cookies WILL make him come back to me or sending him any of the presents will. I don't think he'll come back just because "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach". Might be true sometimes, but it does not apply here. I'm just staying true to the promises I made. The fact that they are his, will never change because they are meant to be for him. I am not throwing them out, I am not GIVING it to someone else. If you think I'll give you something that belongs to someone else, you mad, k?

Telling Rachel my aunt and uncle's story.
Their love gives me hope. They had long distance relationship when it all started out apparently. They have been married for quite some time now and I didn't even know. There was once they were in Makati, Philippines due to work. Apparently, they kidnap foreigners a lot. My uncle is Chindian, and he looks similar to Filipinos in a way; and my aunt is Chinese. My uncle went to work as usual one day. One of the malls were bombed and that very morning, my aunt told him that she will be there. My uncle panicked. (This is the part where it sounds like it only happens in a Hollywood scene.) If I'm not wrong, he tried taking a cab there but there was traffic. He paid the cab driver and ran all the way to the mall, which was quite far away. When he found my aunt at the OPPOSITE side of the mall, all safe and sound, he broke down. After that, he hired a bodyguard/driver throughout their stay there. Now, they're relocating to Seattle again. One day, perhaps, we will be going there.

Nick Vujicic is dead awesome.
No, he's not dead; just mega awesome. I have been replaying the third part of his video, from the seventh minute onwards. All the things he said about saving his virginity for his wife, how he knows she's coming, how it's going to be worth everything, how he encourages people on not giving into temptation for temporary pleasure in life. A real man would not harm your life. But really, how are we supposed to differentiate jerks from nice guys? I mean, they're both pretty much the same in every aspect in the beginning but they always end up breaking your heart. If Nick is the man he says he is, limbless or not, I, speaking on behalf of myself, would be able to spend my life with him. But that's just me. His devotion, loyalty and love amazes me to bits. He's funny and good looking too! Then again, if he has limbs, I doubt he'll be as amazing as he is now.

Straighten up, soldier.
It's going be a long day. You may have lost the battle but that does not mean that you have to lose the war. There are a lot of battles to go. Are you going to be winning this war or are you going to give up now? Would you rather be remembered for ending strong or losing out before you know what you mean to the troopers that are supporting you?

Bullshit

2010-09-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

People say they care but they don't see how badly they are hurting me.

Or they just don't care. Fuck you.

Stink.

2010-09-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

My day stinks!
Well, literally stinks. A bunch of girls walked into the computer lab and sat five feet in front of me. I have been sitting here for almost two hours now and they had to make their GRAND STINKING entrance. Stop raping my nose already, geez. Don't you girls know the existence of deodorants? Stupid female tree hugging hippies. Even my dogs smell better than you. PLUS, you are going through puberty so don't you think you have a tendency to SWEAT enough to encourage bacteria growth in where ever they reproduce and causes the stench? Guess not. OLD SPICEEEE. That was random but it made me think of their commercials. So random, yet so funny. "Did you know I'm riding this horse, backwards?" *whistles the old spice tune*

Other than that, Kumar's class was not really interesting.
I think people shouldn't disrespect him for that because he is trying his best to teach us. I tried listening to him intently but people around me were chattering like he's not there. Not trying to be the lecturer's pet or anything, it was making me mad. I could see the frustration in his face and I felt like grabbing the mic from him and say "You don't want to listen, get out of the class." but I didn't, of course, being the DOVE I am. Everyone felt sleepy, so Kumar gave us a 5 minutes break. Gwen and I ended up hanging out in the computer lab to kill time but we got back to the lecture hall 10 minutes before the lecture ends.

Today, I realize I really shouldn't be spacing out and think anymore.

I've been spacing out everywhere; in the lecture hall, on the road, even when I'm slicing things. I cut my finger while slicing potatoes today. I was lucky enough to be able to avoid massive accidents while I was on the road just in time. On top of that, I need to do well in class, so no more spacing out. Questions keep popping out like daisies in spring. It is time to trample on them. I still haven't gotten out to have some ''me'' time. I should go jogging.

In the many many years I've been trying to lose all these chubbles,

I managed to lose 5 kgs (11 pounds) in like a week, surprisingly. I wonder if that's just because of the nasty thing mom gave me or if it's just because of the Singapore trip. All that walking and stuff happening. ~ I had mashed potato for lunch at Chillax today! Best mashed potato ever, I must say. Too bad I couldn't finish it but I did force myself to! But them 'tatoes don't want to stay in my tummy.

Ju Li told us to watch a movie in class.

We were supposed to write a movie review as an assignment and GUESS WHAT WE WATCHED?! We watched The Kid. You know, the one that has Bruce Willis as the main actor. The really jerky guy who actually turned out to be nice as a kid but turned into an asshole because his father blamed him for killing his mother and he visits himself in the future as a kid..? I don't even know what I'm talking about now. Lots of assignments to do! What should I make for my logo? I need something creative and my creative mode is dead. Could someone hold my reset button for more than 5 seconds, please? It would be nice.

Black hole

2010-09-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

Nick, now I know you feel sick.

We shall stuff our black holes with some happy thoughts! Don't go suicidal on me now. I stopped, you should too.

Desperate.

2010-09-20T03:20:00.001-07:00

Patrick, I will definitely have a sexier body by Summer next year, I can promise you that.Tiffany and you will have to date with me as the spot light.

And I am not going to starve myself. ~

Butt hurt.

2010-09-17T05:03:00.001-07:00

My crotch fucking hurts from all riding!

It was a rough ride, hump by hump, going as fast and hard as we can but in the end, the pleasure was so intense, it balanced out the pain. When I tried getting off, I couldn't feel my legs anymore. I felt light headed; like I'm even getting pleasured by the pain as well. However, I can't sit properly now without my crotch hurting like a bitch. What are you thinking? I was cycling in Sentosa with Ivan and Jessy, okay? I had to change my bicycle a few times. The first one was too big for me. I had to tiptoe to be able to touch the ground for balance; like a ballerina (I feel ever so graceful. ~). Someone wanted to rent the second one but opted for another bicycle instead. The third one, seemed like it's for tweens (more like kids from the age of 8 to 10). The seats need extra padding! Even with the really short one, my ass hurts a lot! Oh my god. AND THEY HAD TO DELIBERATELY make the road bumpy, causing the ride to be rough, hurting my butt more. It was my fault though. I was not using the bicycle lane because I look at the people in trams as they pass by. We've been laughing the whole way through, making U-turns and what not. We had to return our bikes to the rental shop an hour later. So von being von for wanting to squeeze the last drop of fun out, I challenged Jessy to race with me. I let her win because she's younger than me and I AM THAT NICE No, lol, I lied. I lost to a kid. But I the rush I felt was amazing. Endorphins, I absolutely adore you. I should work out more!

The grown ups went to the Casino again.

Ivan decided to stick around with us. And off we go, venturing Sentosa Island. YET AGAIN. Seriously? We have nothing else to do! Old people loves gambling, we kids, have to accompany them there. In the end, they ditched us to waste their money. After cycling, Ivan, Jessy and I went to Siloso beach to chill. Jessy, being the kid she is, ran off towards the sea, leaving her shoes behind. I had to pick her shoes up and wait for her to be done playing. That girl urged me to play with her several times. I refused to join her and she ended up getting her jeans wet. Silly silly girl. On our way back to VivoCity, several Caucasian guys walked into the monorail. I have Caucasian fetish, mind you, and there were like three good looking guys in their group. They sounded like they have American accent. One of them has Robert Pattinson's hair and he's like 12837193618236 times better looking than him (Eww, twilight fairy. Vampires don't sparkle, betch). DAMN, this Edward Cullen is extremely short. He's only as tall as Ivan.

No pictures today because I was too lazy to carry my camera around.

The camera's very bulky and I was right not to bring it along, since I didn't have a basket to put my bag in when I was cycling. I must be smart. ;D There wasn't anything to capture anyway besides the fact that I look AWESOME in RED. I had to wear their helmet and I have a matching red watch to go with it. ;3 The helmet and Ivan's hair is a big no-no. It doesn't matter anyway, lol. We all took off our helmets being the rebel we are and the helmets were annoying. My crotch still fucking hurts. Fuck my life.~

Recovery (Part I)

2010-09-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

"Why are you so sad? You are still so young and there are so many fishes in the sea."

Those other fishes can go die, please and thank you.

I don't want other fishes, can't you see? I guess I just have to psycho myself. He doesn't know what he's losing out, his loss for giving up the person that isn't giving up on him (and I am quoting Rachel), I'm too good for him, he doesn't deserve me, HE'S JUST LIKE OTHER GUYS although he said he's not, he just wants sex all along, he doesn't want to try anymore... he doesn't even love me and he never did, his feelings were just misunderstood as love, he hates the way I'm being a control freak, a green-eyed monster for being jealous when he doesn't spend time with me, it's my fault for not doing well enough to get a scholarship there during my SAM because I was playing instead of studying.

I must be some kind of masochist.

Initially, I made my wall paper out of a collection of his pictures. I changed it to the wall paper I had before I met him but it didn't feel right. Since I deleted the former wall paper, the computer actually removed it completely. Instead of changing it to something else, I had to put HIS picture. So whenever I switch on my computer, I'd see him as the background in full screen. It feels right, but saya rasa sangat pedih apabila saya merenung matanya. But I can't take my eyes off of them. The radio, hates me too. Every where I go, I'd hear Neyo's "So Sick", Beyonce's "If I were a boy", Eminem and Rihanna's "Love the way you lie", Britney's "Everytime", "When somebody loved me" from Toy Story 2. I guess you won't be affected by all these songs as much when you're happy with your life. Now, I'd be able to relate to these songs, making me depressed.

I cringed every time I see something red, numbers 7 and 23, onions, cabbage, bananas, sheep, cow, pig, brown hair, the bottle, Eurasian kids, Autobot, Decepticon, Transformers, FlapJack, Ragnarok, plaids, duck faces, Mitchell Davis, underwater wedding, short wedding dresses and the list goes on and on.

I often wonder, what is he going to do with the pendant? I still have mine, what should I do with it? Should I send him his presents and letters? I still want the bears because they smell like him, I still want my letter so I'd have something he made for me, and only me, and I want his red plaid boxers.. because their his. What the fuck is wrong with you? He doesn't love you, you idiot. Yes, he does not love me anymore but I do. That's why I need to let go. Who knows, maybe one day I'd be able to turn the tables, yes? One day, he would finally realize that "I should not have told von all those nasty things I have said. What have I done?!". It's alllllllll in my head. I told Rachel, one fine day when he comes back begging, I would definitely make him beg hard. He needs to give me a theme park. Deep down inside, I know I would probably melt when he says he's sorry. Happens every single fucking time. Him being stubborn, me being persuasive and I'd fight for the pictures I want from him. In the end, I'd fail, just like how I'm failing bad right now.

I send him my pictures once in a blue moon, whenever I feel like taking them.

I demand his pictures almost every day and I won't give him mine when he asks. Selfish, selfish von. Yes, I am not over him. However, I'm proud of myself today. I didn't cry as much as I did yesterday. Mostly because I was out and everyone was here with me. Ivan was trying to make me feel better in his own ways when he sees me looking down or staring at nothingness. He tried to make me laugh by putting images in my head. I was able to smile too! ;D Devon's a perv! ~ But someone telling me that they love me at this period of time makes me feel lucky to have people that cares around me.

The bad news is.. Suicidal thoughts kind of seeped into my mind again.

I thought of getting the knife my aunt has, which is supposed to be sharp, and this time, slit my wrist deep enough. Then, the other part of me was screaming in my head that it's stupid to do so because you'll hurt other people, no, not Terry, but other people that care too AND I'd create a huge mess. I went on doing with what I was doing and I thought about jumping out of the window from the seventh floor. Before I continued planning whatever suicide attempts I was, I slapped myself hard. It didn't hurt though. I find it hard to eat (WHAT?! Von isn't eating?!). Yes, I am not eating much although I love eating a lot. My cousin had a talk with me yesterday and offered me some chocolate; CHOCOLATE! and I refused! Har har har. I tried eating today because I don't believe in starving myself even when I am sad. I shared lunch with mom and barely touched anything during dinner. "WOW, Evon's not eating?!" Aunt Jo exclaimed. "So you can really lose weight while going through a heart break!" She was just kidding and I smiled. It's a shame that dinner was a waste of money though. I ended up vomiting my tau fu fa and black sesame ice shaving.

I want to feel okay.

I want to BE okay. Mom says the reason why I can't let him go is because I gained confidence to be myself and he was the one that brought the best out of me. I believed, I am the way I am because of him but it's not true because I never had the confidence to be myself. And I quote Amy "People are different whenever they enter or get out of a relationship." So now I believe, I won't actually lose the person I was when I was with him, because I love that von. The von that can FINALLY say "I love you" and "I miss you" to someone she cares about when she is around people, kiss him over the phone and not feel ashamed about it, the Von that could go around, randomly saying "Pew pew!" to her friends, tease them and mess around with them. Instead, I would be a better person, because he brought the best and the worst out of me. THE SILVER LINING OF THE RELATIONSHIP, finally! Blogging makes me realize things I never had before. I get to vent to everyone that actually gives a flying fuck about reading.

I admit, my heart still skips a beat when I see that I have an e-mail around this time of the night because he's texting me.

I'd hold my breath whenever I see his picture. I would wake up and hope it's just a bad dream. Surprisingly, I'm recovering faster now that I am blogging about whatever I feel instead of keeping them bottled up. He did leave footprints in my heart and his footprints will always be there. As a reminder of all the best and worst things that happened when I was with him. Hamel is such a talented musician. "Tiny Town" is such an amazing song. I wish I believed in me but somethings aren't meant to be, I wish I believed in me but it remains a fantasy; Nothing in this tiny town can bring me down, nothing in the whole wide world to make me frown.

The world works in mysterious ways.

Dreams.

2010-09-15T01:52:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I've always had visions of who I want to be.

I can visualize myself in the near future, what I'd be like and what I would be doing. Many of these visions, did come true, like when I excelled in my education and I have many friends I cared about. And like most people, my life was spiraling down into the drain as soon as I hit puberty. Nasty stuffs started to happen to me, but they are not really complain-worthy. I'd still complain anyway. I have trouble seeing myself in the future as if someone had abruptly ended my life somehow. I have attempted suicide a few times, but the cuts I made were only enough to draw some blood; not enough to actually threaten my life because I was too much of a coward to do it. I'm glad I was a coward because if I wasn't, I would be dead without a purpose and mom's effort of giving birth to me would be wasted. Not my life to strip, it's hers.

Then I met Terry.

He is the nicest, caring, and loving guy I have ever met. Not forgetting to mention that he's mature for his age sometimes. And he's good looking too, but that's just a bonus. We began talking and got really close to each other. We got together some when during the end of September/October (we finally decided it would be on the 23rd of October because it's our favorite number). We've been through lots of stuff then. I am still whiny; about how he's too good for me, about how he should find someone else instead of me, how the distance will make him upset and that he should get someone closer to him. I meant what I've said, but I secretly hoped he would never be convinced by me. He kept calling me silly for thinking these stuff, how we will make it through no matter what. He was there for me when we were going to be apart. Spending time with him everyday has been part of my daily routine. It made me a better person; as corny as it gets, he's my personal brand of heroin and morphine. His love was my drug; addictive and it makes me feel light headed, even up until today.

I was so addicted that I was desperate for his attention.

I craved for his undivided attention. With him, I can be myself. With him, I felt loved even when I have family problems. It makes me sound selfish every time I talk about him in this post, I would use the word I. I love him. I do. There were times that he was unable to give me his attention. I did things, bad things that is considered unforgivable to lots of people. My friendliness and hospitality were misunderstood and I, in turn, was leading a few people on, and I actually liked the attention. He never did any of those things to me. Still, he was willing to forgive me and we talked things out. Our relationship was more than I've ever wished for. More than I could ever hope for. As time progressed, we got busier with our lives. I promised him that I would try my best to be there after I graduate. In the longest time, I was finally able to visualize something with him.

What came next falling back in love with him.

His silly little antiques, the little things he did showing me that he cares and he's there for me. He would make funny sounds by playing with his lips with his finger, squeaking randomly on the phone or on ventrilo, saying things like "Ravijoulies", "Sketti", crayon, coloring book, Voninie (insert Terry's rawr face here), him singing Mad World by Gary Jules although he forgot some of the lyrics, waking me up when I needed to do so, telling me that the singers I like are gay, made me believe that "the new no-shower law" and him telling me that he loves me more every time before he hangs up abruptly so I won't be able to argue that I love him more.

Today, is the probable ending of our beautiful, imperfect relationship.

He wanted to break it off because the distance is unbearable. No. He doesn't love me like the way he did anymore. It can't be true. He might have never loved me, he was wrong about what he felt for me initially and he had thought about it for two weeks now. This is the part where I get delusional, pathetic but more aggressive than ever. I was going to fight for him to stay right here with me, partially selfish, mostly afraid of losing him. He means THAT MUCH to me. He agrees that we would be having a break from the relationship for now. To be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to fulfill my promises to visit him during Christmas. It's about three months away, and with my savings and pay, if I were to get a job at Starbucks, I'd be getting 500 per month which adds everything up to 2000. I need about 4k or more to cover my expenses while I'm there. I don't want to burden the Darlings. Mom and dad were nice enough to let me stay at their house.

I woke up from my slumber, hoping everything was just a bad dream.

I was clutching Shhterryeep (the stuffed sheep that I use to pretend that it's him) tight in my sleep. And I was crying due to the realization that no matter how hard I try, it'll never be enough. Not until I get there and he might not even like me. I realized from whenever he breaks up with me, we won't be Terry and Von anymore (looked like Tom & Jerry for a second); we would be just von and "Terry with someone else". I cannot accept the fact that he would be making someone else smile a lot by being mad flirtatious with her. And the fact that the distance is so painful for him to deal with that it has come to this extent. We have been through this for more than a year now. Another two years is too much to ask, I am aiming to go to University of Miami, which is closer to him since Eckerd in Saint Petersburg is still too far away from him. I've promised, I would visit him during Summer, which, I CAN fulfill because it gives me more time to save the money I need.

Terry, I not going to beg anymore.

As much as I hate this happening, you are right, I need to let go. It is hurting the both of us in some way. But it's just so god damn hard to even if I lie to myself that everything is going to be fine. I've fallen for you, fallen for you hard. I have grown to love the way you fart (yes, fart) and responding the way that would make you laugh. I love your laugh, your teeth (as much as you hate them), whatever that made you you. I've fallen in love with everyone of your family members (Dad, Mom, Jarred, Brett, especially Brett because you love bullying him, and of course, Kelsey, although I do not know them well enough but trust me, I want to. Our babies; Koga, Princess, Sabrina, Prix, Dream and Eclipse. And the turtles and Blue, the peacock). It hurts a lot when you say you love me less, even if it's true, I'm the one that loved you less all this time because I was the one that was causing most of the drama in our relationship. You were right about me being a troll. I apologize.

If you want me to just be a really close friend, you would need to give me some time.

I would still have feelings for you and jeopardize whatever you have with another girl. Then again, these feelings might not fade away. I will not have my hopes up that we might be able to fix our relationship. I'm being a broken record now but I rather feel pain than not feel anything at all. I'm sorry this post is super long, I just need to tell you how I feel about you, that I'm sorry for what I did. I know how it hurts Terry, I know it does. I'll do anything to make it up to you. But now I just sound pathetic and desperate since you're pulling my unlimited supply of drugs away from me. I CAN live without you, I don't need you. I just rather have you in it with me than anyone else if that makes sense. So do whatever you see fit.

I love you,

von.

Teen Werewolves, SA.

2010-06-08T04:14:00.001-07:00

Move over Emo and Goth.

There's a new style in town!

Yep! Teen Werewolf!

(Twilight obsession, much? [the person in the picture calls herself Wolfie Blackheart])

What are teen werewolves?

Teen werewolves are pretty much a mix of emos and goths. Spikes and stuff. Now, the in thing for them is to wear colored contacts (imagine Visual Kei), doggy collars, leashes and a polyester wolf tail.

Yes, a tail.

They gather, not in cliques, but in packs. They believe that they have some wolf in them.

AND they claim that they do not want attention.

So, I told Ivan about it and told him that we should create a new style too! The what?

The Unicorn!

We'll be using tiny party hats as our horns, which is our main accessory and have rainbow-colored streaks in our hair. Both guys and girls must have long hair. If you have straight hair, you must make it slightly wavy and tie it up in a ponytail.

Optional: You may stick rainbows on your ass as unicorns fart rainbow and have butterflies around you by tying them with rainbow colored threads.

Nah. I'm just kidding. Not really.

love, von

Teen Werewolves, SA.

2010-06-08T04:14:00.000-07:00

Move over Emo and Goth.

There's a new style in town!

Yep! Teen Werewolf!

(Twilight obsession, much? [the person in the picture calls herself Wolfie Blackheart])

What are teen werewolves?

Yes, a tail.

They gather, not in cliques, but in packs. They believe that they have some wolf in them.

AND they claim that they do not want attention.

So, I told Ivan about it and told him that we should create a new style too! The what?

The Unicorn!

We'll be using tiny party hats as our horn, which is our main accessory and have rainbow-colored streaks in our hair. Both guys and girls must have long hair. If you have straight hair, you must make it slightly wavy and tie it up in a ponytail.

Optional: You may stick rainbows on your ass as unicorns fart rainbow and have butterflies around you by tying them with rainbow colored threads.

Nah. I'm just kidding. Not really.

love, von

Malacca; Weekend trip!

2010-05-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

no, I did not take this picture.

Malacca,

oh-my-god. You changed from a dead city to something that's upbeat and fun! I can't believe Jonker Street used to be a street that sells only antiques and people won't go there at all. Now there are people pouring in and the clothes there are really nice. There's this shop, called Jonker Gallery, that features artistic tees designed by artists. I came back the next day and got something for Terry! A t-shirt, of course. :D I still think you might not like it as there are specks of pink on it and it looks kind of feminine. Anyway, this is how it looks like.

what do you think?

I kind of like it though. I wish I got one for myself too! BOY, did we eat a lot! We were walking along the street, we as in Ivan, Phin Hwei and I, and Ivan was screaming away that he's hungry while we were looking at clothes. It is true that a hungry guy is an angry guy. We had chicken rice balls for dinner! After that, we went for some chocolate covered seedless grapes, champagne & honeydew bubble milk tea, ding ding sweets! (Named after the sound made by the tools as they break the sweet into smaller pieces to be sold.), and my failed cotton candy. There's this stall where you can try to make the cotton candy yourself and my cotton candy was uber tiny.

As we walked, we saw a Shih Tzu puppy in a cage and the lady was putting up a sign. Excited, I exclaimed "Omg, Kor (that's what I call Ivan because he's my elder brother.), LOOK. They're selling the puppy for two ringgit only! (Approximately USD 0.75)" To which Ivan replied "In your dreams." That lady moved and I finally read the thing written on the sign. Take photograph with puppy, RM 2. Poor puppy! She was using it to earn some money. D;

Next stop, shopping centre! We went through the same road three times. CHREEEEE effin' times. Why? I admit, the first time was my fault because I told Ivan I wanted to go to the bigger mall. Obviously there are more things in the bigger mall, right? And Ivan took a wrong turn because of my lousy sense of direction. We had to go one big round to get back to the mall again. Ivan was following the instructions given by the GPS blindly when we got there for the second time. He was asking us if he should park or not. Since we're there, Pingu and I said that we should look for a parking space already. Again, we went on another joyride before getting there 30 minutes before closing. But it was fun! We window shopped for a little.

Note to self: I need to get more shorts and feminine tops. No more tees, please.

The hotel room was pretty! However, I couldn't sleep at all and I kept waking up at night for some odd reason. Had the most disturbing nightmare ever. In the morning, we went to the restaurant to get some breakfast. Ahh, how I miss you eat-all-you-can-for-free buffet breakfast!~ Mom asked us to pack some food. Since we're not allowed to take away food from the restaurant, I had to sneak it into my bag. Ivan said I'm like the thief that's trying to steal food. He was being racist and saying mean stuffs. He didn't want to help me initially. When I asked him to do it, he was foolish enough to open my bag wide enough to let everyone see that I have another bag for food in my bag. Le sigh!

love, von.

Story of My Life.

2010-05-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

Tokio Hotel Concert...

was fucked up. People were acting like they had their brains sucked out by some creepy machine thus acting worse than a herd of rampaging bulls. What's the point of waiting in line at 4:30 P.M., under the rain and shine, when the concert starts at 6:00 P.M.? Sure, we get to see Tokio Hotel up close and take some pretty good shots. Then again, how are we supposed to do that when there are no one checking our tickets and people are running to the front, pushing their way as they go like baboons out of their enclosure? On top of that, Tokio Hotel took forever to come out, which was at 9:30 P.M. and the crowd went wild. There were drunkards that acted like they own the show. Telling people to make way for them, flipping people off when they won't budge, picking fights with the crowd. Thank god the security threw them out of the pit. Allysha and I did not stay til the end of the show. We went out after the first song because it was hot and stuffy. I felt sick.

Friends...

are not who I think they really are. Regardless of what I've done for them, they only come to me when they need my help. I can't believe you let me take the blame of being overemotional, overreacting, psychopathic bitch and not even bothered to make things clear on what happened. You acted like a saint, pretending to forgive me for being dramatic when you are the one that has to be sorry for what you did. Now you can't blame me for being overly cautious, can you? I don't care what you did then. It shouldn't have happened anyway. It was against friendship rules. I still wanted to be your friend despite having everyone saying that I should not.

"Why are you still friends with that person?!" "*shrugs*"

Most of them come to me whenever they need something. "Hey Von! How are you? Eh, I have something to ask you. Will you _________?" Okay!, Sure!, Mmk. Never once did I cross your minds, huh? Never once you'd think maybe, just.. Maybe I have feelings too. I know this is pathetic. You'd think that I am being dramatic again but all I want is to be part of your "clique" like how we used to be. Hah, maybe it's time to stop living in the past and move on!

Bitch Kongsi,

I love you bitches to bits. Adelene, Desmond, Gwendeline, Hong Chun, Isaac, Jack, Jason, Jeslyn, Sofia, Wai Kit and Alex, the Bitch King. Did I miss anyone? I hope not! We should go for a movie together soon!

love, von.

KayEl Drivers and Von's Tiny Car.

2010-04-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

Like, von is driving a tiny white car, k?

And she has the "probation" sign up.

BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHTS TO TREAT ME LIKE A BITCH ON THE ROAD.

Dear reckless Malaysian drivers. Yeah, you thick headed moron out there.

You guys nearly caused my death, countless times.

Imagine going about 100km/h on the highway, in the lightest car ever made.

And this HUGEEEEEE sturdy car (YOUR CAR) cutting into your lane without signalling and the space between me and the car in front of me is narrow. I nearly crashed into your car because I was not paying attention (Looking at side mirrors, changing songs, etc.) and luckily I was able to break in time. IMAGINE THE FUCKING IMPACT if I knocked into you. I would be dead in seconds. So please, I beg you pleaseeeeeee, SIGNAL when you want to cut in. ESTIMATE the space before you do so. Don't tell me it's such a difficult thing to do.

Pay attention when you're driving.

These roads are NOT your grandfather's roads.

You cannot just swerve right and left as you wish without signalling.

You should have stopped when my little white car went "BEEEEEP!" because you were coming too close to me when I was in the lane beside you. Then you decide to stay in front of me, going oh-so-slow. You know what? If you want to sex, PX 9, please do it at home. If you're committing adultery with your secretary, maid or even another man, go to the motel, k?

You complain of traffic jam.

Jam this, jam that.
WELLL GUESS WHO IS THE CAUSE OF TRAFFIC JAMS? HMMMMMMM?

YOU, YOU AND YOU.

Why can't you queue up like other civilized humans and wait for your fucking turn? Why the heck do you have to cut queue and cause a major time consuming jam for everyone else? I know you want to reach your destination as soon as possible, I DO TOO, whore. So unless if your wife's going to give birth, given that she's in the car with you, or your family member is dying, keep on dreaming that I would let you cut my queue.

Don't start hating on me because what I say is true.

love, von.

Choices and Changes.

2010-01-13T03:09:00.000-08:00

#2; When you change what you believe, you change what you do.

Mr Kenneth Phun showed us the video entitled "Who moved my cheese?" during our lecture today. One of the questions that

was featured in the video was:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

So what would you do if you were not afraid of changes and of making choices?

1. I would personally like to make more friends. I wish that I do not hold myself back that much or worry about what people think about me. I need to get out of my comfort zone and get some confidence. If you do not have it, fake it.

2. I would like to study for at least an hour a day. It does not sound difficult but laziness is now my mortal enemy. Psychology is so much like Biology now. This is interesting.

And, I forgot what I wanted to write. Oh well.

von

A Whole New Leaf.

2010-01-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

Damn, reflecting on my previous posts,

I realize that I am a huge bitch.

So first, I would like to apologize to the people

I have mentioned in here before for offending

you. Please forgive me I know not what I do.

New resolution: Work her ass off.

I secretly think that my new year's resolution would not work.

I was so determined not to make any but whatever, right?

Year 2010; Post #1.

SAM is finally over.

I am afraid I have to admit, I did not do brilliantly for the external assessment.

I was a major truant and skipped almost every class possible.

HOWEVER

My Tertiary Entrance Rank is slightly higher than the entry requirement for Psychology in HELP university. I know, I know. You would probably think "HAHA! HELP university is helping her! Their standards must be low since they allow people with such low TERs into their program."

But no, HELP university has the biggest Psychology faculty in South East Asia and they have links to lots of prestigious universities via twinning.

What I am going to do after getting a degree;

Probably get Masters in America, hopefully in three years time.

Visit Brandon and Nik.

Get a job.

Sounds decent, eh?

First day of Psychology in HELP university, can't complain.

I started my journey at 6:45 AM but I reached the university at 8:01 AM.

Traffic was brutal!

Nothing much happened except I enrolled into the later class for MC100.

So on Mondays, I would be back home at about 8:00 PM.

During orientation, I made lots of new friends.

(Heh, of course la! People are attracted to me! As if.)

THANK GOD I DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE ENGLISH FOR PSYCHOLOGY!

Dr Hera was our first lecturer.

She teaches us Introduction to Psychology 1 and showed us gruesome pictures of the ancient Inca population conducting trephination, which was the act of drilling a hole into a human skull to release evil spirit.

Ms Yen was second.

She teaches us MC100.

During the brief introduction of ourselves, I accidentally said I like to play, as in computer games and stuff, but it sounded somewhat off. Instead of saying GAMES like I wanted to, I said prank people instead, which is one of the fun things Kevin, Thoong Lyn and I did during our friends' birthdays. So, fml.

Mr Albert was third.

He is our lecturer for PSY105, Research Methodology.

Your class was interesting, sir, don't get me wrong but I was falling asleep because I slept late the night before! I had a can of coffee which helped me stay awake a tiny bit.

Mr Kenneth is tomorrow.

I wonder what he would be like.

Hmm.

Memories seem so distant now.

Feels like it has been forever since our

Biology trip to the Botanic Gardens.

I remember kicking my first cake.

I remember hearing my uncle's hand as

it made contact with my father's face.

The distant fear of going out of the

room when my mother and stepfather

quarreled.

The Friday nights we spent watching movies

with occasional Saturday night movies.

Every single week.

The anxiousness of being alone in a new

environment and meeting new college mates.

All so distant now..

I hate it when..

2009-12-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people make the situation seem a lot worse than what it's suppose to be.

Then the put the blame on others.

For example, one of the most insensitive guys in the world, Alvin. He knows what he did before.

I hate it when people criticise me, while eating EVERYTHING I bought home, leaving none for me. Both dad and his wife were saying how lazy I am for cleaning up after myself because I didn't make my bed.

I hate it when a friend kind of stabs you right through your soul, impaling you. A few years back, when Tiffany was telling me that she's going out with that butt, my other friends were there as well. One of them was comforting me, kind of, by saying "You should be happy, right? At least your friend found her happiness. You should be happy that she found her happiness." Or that very time when she said "That's not even your style." to which I replied "If I don't wear my clothes that way, it doesn't mean that I don't like it." and she said "Did I even say you hate it?" You may think you do not sound offending, but it was very offensive for me. Don't ask me for opinions if you feel that whatever you are wearing is good enough. I will not say that things look good when they do not look good at all.

I hate it when someone tells you they love you but you will never know if they mean it or not. Sometimes, what they are doing makes you think that you are better off on your own. Those "I love you"s, "I missed you"s meant nothing at all, right?

I hate it when people do not know when to stop. Stop getting chills when I'm on the phone, kay? You and your girlfriend kiss in public while I was just talking. You tell her that you love her and even talk mushier to her than I do on the phone. Stop questioning me things when I reply "Nothing." for the fifth time. It annoyed the hell out of me. I will tell you what's going on when I want to. So, STOP.

I hate it when people tell me what to do. I am not EIGHT fucking years old anymore. Stop telling me who my priority is. I know when to set my priorities straight. And it has always been all about you.

"WHY AREN'T YOU STAYING WITH ME? OTHER PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS CARE ABOUT ME MORE THAN YOU DO. I GAVE UP MY LIFE WITH MY HUSBAND FOR YOU."

You know what? Yes, I am obsessed with my computer games, my friends. I am not afraid to admit it. Do you even know why?

I'll answer you.

It's because I do not feel as hateful when I am talking to them as I am talking to you at times. You sometimes talk to me like you are quarreling with me yet you rebuke me for raising my voice. And no, you gave up your own life with your husband, for yourself. We did not ask you to. I did not ask you to. I get along perfectly with him. It was your own decision.

Grr.

Fuck you, never ending rants.

Rant.

2009-11-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling?

The emptiness of being so distant from the ones you love and you cannot do anything about it.

The void in your heart that appears from time to time.

Oh, how I wish and wish that I can do something about it.

There are just times I wish I can teleport to you. :/

SAM is over. Again, I have attained my long awaited freedom.

But I do not know what to do with it. I am deeply going to miss my college mates.

For they are the ones, the crazy batch I can be myself with.

They are honest and they are not afraid to voice out their opinions.

I will definitely miss the food hunting session during breaks.

The name creating session for Kevin.

Here's the list of his name to date:

1. Ikan Yu (Sharky)

2. Kevin Cloth

3. Kevin Kain

4. Ahmad

5. Bouncer

6. Yew Charcoal

7. Yew Char Koay

8. Fifth Street Organisation PhD holder

and lots more. I can't recall.

104th; Happy Anniversary.

2009-10-22T09:06:00.000-07:00

Hey baby,

Ahhhhh! The memories.

Oh, the bitter sweet memories!

Thanks for being there when I need you the most.

And for laughing at my mistakes/flaws instead of reprimanding

me, giving in to whatever I want.

Even the craziest demands.

Thanks for being everything to me.

&&&

I love you so much!

______________________________________________

You know, initially I was having doubts it would work.

But you have proven me wrong again and again.

And I still have the first picture you sent.

*wink wink*

You never fail to amaze me with your charm

and wit. Lol, and I love every part of you.

You know what I mean right? ;D

Thanks for making everything feel like a fairytale.

Everything feels magical when you're around.

and hubby/baby/Sheep/Cookie/gorgeous/Teddy,

happy FIRST anniversary

lessthanchree

Ugh.

2009-10-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

Divorce sucks.

Mom asked me to ask Dad to change the wiper.

Dad said "Ask your mom when she comes back."

I ask/told Mom.

Mom went on a rampage.

Ivan defends Dad.

"Stop twisting Dad's words."

"What?"

"I said stop twisting Dad's words."

"What's there to twist anyway? That's what Dad said."

"You always twist what he said."

"There's nothing to twist at all, that is what he said. Why would I do that?"

I started crying silently. Phin Hwei was sitting with him and I didn't want to cause a scene.

There was a long pause.

"If Dad can get you the camera which costs him three thousand, why can't he change the wiper for you?"

How should I know what he was thinking?!

It is not like I want them to quarrel. I do not enjoy it at all.

I know you're tired of it but what the hell?

I needed a distraction to not scream at him and cry more so I thought of Terry.

But it made it worse.

I cried even more.

FML.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was awesome.

I want to watch Zombieland.

2009-10-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today, we had a test in my logics class. The teacher allowed us to use 'whatever we could fit' on one side of a piece of computer paper to help us on the test. I brought my friend Sam, a logics graduate student, laid my piece of paper on the floor and had him stand on it. Logical, no? MLIA

I should do this for maths. MLIA.

101; Love or hate?

2009-09-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

Parents: Can't live without em,

Can't live with em.

I don't know what to do, whether to laugh or cry.

Sometimes they are mega nice to you and the next, they'll be complaining about things.

Like dad not too long ago. I had to wait for Ivan and his girlfriend to get ready in order to get here which was the most frustrating thing because I thought he would wake up earlier and I have to go to Queensbay to get something with Sue May, Kimmo and Kevin. I had to cancel that plan. I should've just taken the car and leave him to rot. It isn't his car anyway. On the way here, dad asked us to pack some food. He called like a bajillion times and started scolding me. I kept telling him that we're arriving soon and that we're going to get the food.

Finally, after half an hour of waiting for that guy to pack our food, Ivan dropped me off at the guard house. I had to carry in his laptop for him and my heavy college stuffs and the food and walk all the way inside and up, just because he's late.

Doesn't matter, really. So, I finally reached dad's place. I said "Hi Dad!" and he kept going on and on about how unreliable we are, how we like to procrastinate. Not even a thank you from him. >.>; Fine, I kept my mouth shut all the way through.

Then he mentioned something about me wanting the camera but he doesn't see me much. Now, I feel like a call girl. Dx

In my family, things are pretty odd.

When you tell them "I love you.", they will ask "Are you high on drugs?"

When you talk to them rudely, they will say "Don't you dare talk to me in that manner! I'll slap your face off!"

Then when you talk to them normally, they will still tell you to be polite, especially mom.
"Ah girl ah, why can't you talk like your cousin, Amy? See, the way she talk to her mom is so loving and sweet, but you, *sighs* talk to me like one buffalo."

UGH! I give up. Seriously.

PMSing family sucks.

100th!; Happy 999

2009-09-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's the 9th September 09, baybeh!

[09/09/09]

which falls on a

W E D N E S D A Y

which also has 9 letters.

So, I'll write down 9 random things:

1. Ivan and I share the same birthdate but we are born two years apart.

2. I think pedophiles are hot. ;3

3. I enjoy watching people fail, especially suicide bombers.

4. I usually pretend not to see Eclipse/Dream's poop and pee when I am not in the mood for cleaning.

5. I believe that unicorns are real.

6. When everyone is away and I have nothing to do, I'd build a fort out of pillows and hide in it. Then, I'll call either Dream or Eclipse and they will never be able to find me.

7. I hide in my room for coloring purposes.

8. I like how typical Malaysian speak English.

9. I'm not that random after all.

99th; WaitingForYou

2009-09-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Cloudy day!

Eclipse

Dreamy Vader

Transformers Pendants:

Autobot; Terry

Decepticon; Von

Canon Rangers!

Stole the pink one from Rachel.

Kay. I'm done posting random things that made my year.

There are more, but yeah. ;3

xoxo, von.

98th; Birthday.

2009-09-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Something happened this morning.

Dad called me when I was sleeping and

usuallllllly, I'd ignore calls when I'm still

asleep. So I picked up the phone and this

was the conversation.

Dad ; Me

Hey, didn't you say there's a camera fair in Gurney?

What do they sell?

[I was still in a trance like mode]

Oh, they have 500D, the best camera ever.

So how much is it after the promotion?

Mmm, 2.6k (I have staff price)?

*GASP*

It's about 3 to 4k outside.

*GASP*

... *giggles*

*GASPGASPGASP*

Why do you need such a good camera for?

*laughs more* Well, it has video functions and I can use it for

my photoshoots.

*clears throat*

[I don't think he's over the fact that it's 2.6k]

We'll talk about this when you get here.

I guess I might get the camera?

He was ignoring my hints though.

He woke me up from the weirdest dream ever.

I was with Terry, sitting around a house.

He said "Mom is going to bring us to the dinner place."

To which I replied "Oh, okay." while thinking that she is

somewhere far away from us. As in another country.

Andddddddd the phone rang. :3

That's all for now!

I think I gave dad a heart attack. :x

New Perspective.

2009-09-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

I wanna live a life from a new perspective,

You come along because I love your face.

Plans for this week.

None! :3

I think I'll study for the rest of the week.

There's nothing to look forward to, really.

Except for Saturday, which is our photoshoot/shopping spree day.

Not even my birthday which is on Friday.

Apparently, dad is ignoring my hints of getting

a spankin' brand new Canon 500D.

Mom won't be back from Selangor, this isn't something new.

Maybe I'll celebrate it with my dogs again. x)

Dressing them up in party hats a.k.a. Cones of Shame

is pretty amazing.

Speaking of which, Eclipse is running a temperature and

she refused to take her med. It's bitter but she has to take

it to feel better, right? If she doesn't, she'll end up being mega

sick. However, she's eating her food, pooping and running around.

Is she really having fever? o.o;

Oh! Happy Birthday in advance, Lora! [09/05/09]

You know, for an old hag like me, I am sure pretty childish.

I enjoy animations, cartoons, lollipops, popsicles, soft toys, more toys,

gachapons, cute things, Sesame Street characters, pedo Barney,

sweets, gaia online, games, coloring books, Zac Efron >o>;.

Pretty much stuffs like that though I DO pretend to hate them

but I actually don't. If I wake up early during the weekends,

I'd watch the cartoons aired on Tee Vee. Spongebob Squarepants,

Tom & Jerry, Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory, Simpsons.

So recently, I watched Up.

The story was about Carl mostly and his wife. (I forgot her name, so sue me. >.>)

The starting was really sweet until his wife died.

Carl turned into a cranky old man.

I am not going to spoil it for people that have not

watched it. But there is one part that is extremely cute.

Carl; Kevin the Bird

Shoo, shoo! Get out of here!

*gurgles* Get out of here! *flaps wings*

Go on! Beat it!

Alalalala.

BAHHHHHH!

Brrrrraaaaa!

which was sooo freaking adorable kayh?

The bird was doing what Carl was doing.

I've never laughed so hard before. Especially after

listening to Alpha's voice!

I guess I'm done for now. Will update soon!

By the way, biology BIG BIG event will be on the 24th and 25th of

September in Disted College. Care to join us?

Bye bye for now me hearties!

Do you remember when we didn't care?

We were just two kids that took the moment when it was there.

BACK!

2009-08-31T12:40:00.000-07:00

And I swear, you're just like a pill.

Instead of making me better, you're making me ill.

Sooooooooooo.

I was in Selangor for the past few days and boy, did I have fun!

Day 1: Arrival

Ivan and I started our journey at 9 am with Shhhterryeep, fueled by PSP and.. well, that was it. The ride was fast, however, because I was sleeping throughout the ride. Barely got 3 hours of sleep the night before. And I was supposed to meet Tiffany in Bandar Utama. Too bad she cannot make it. Ivan and I walked around the HUMONGOUS mall because mom said she will be fetching us at 5.

Note to self: Walking around the mall with a huge soft toy, heavy handbag and luggages is a pain in the butt/back. D:

And as usual, mom reached at 7 something because "she was on her way". Ivan and I played Patapon instead, after walking around the mall, both new and old wings, in less than four hours. We went to a cyber cafe too but the connection there was being retarded. We went bowling instead. Ivan won the game naturally but I was happy that I got a strike. Went out for dinner in Paddington House of Pancakes.

Day 2: Sleepover

Today is the day! The day to crash Loh's party, the day to spend with my friends. However, Yee Yee can't make it and Sonia was there. As I was walking in, Tiffany looked down at my shoes and gave me a weirdish kind of stare. Why? Because it had 2 identical "buttons" of a character from Sesame Street. I replied her with an "I know." Truth be told, I was actually very excited when I got the shoes from mom but I pretended to feel embarrassed about them. As I walked in, I asked if they had pizza but they were baking cookies.

Went to Tanjung after that (Sonia's cousin, Vincent was the driver. Thanks!) with Tiff, Sonia and Vincent. Went to another mamak after that in Kota Kemuning. Then we had a drink and shishaed. Then a group of people appeared out of nowhere. D: Tiffany got Vincent to drop us off at Stadium and this time, Tiffany drank! x) We talked about things that happened and stuff like that. Watched Haunting in Conneticut with Tiffany after that. Well, kind of. She was on the phone beside and I was watching. It wasn't scary at all! [Tiffany: Yeah, right!] (Fine, I was covering my ears all the way through but the ending was pretty awesome.) Conclusion, I was being super attentive to the movie that I was not aware of my surroundings. After talking for a little more, we were about to sleep. Tiffany fell asleep when I was talking to Terry on the phone. :x

Day 3: The Hunt

They went running as soon as they heard the slightest sound of the Swoosh. Ivan crouched down, preparing himself before he leap onto his prey..

Kidding. We were hunting for Nike SBs, the Blue Lobster in particular. Walked around Times Square and I fell in love with a few pairs. Had Tony Roma's for dinner and we had an exclusive discount from the supervisor. I made a new friend.

Day 4: Departure

Man. It was a long day. I don't want to remember it. Tried to sleep on the way back but I couldn't.

So that was it. My trip to Selangor. It was definitely a fun one and I can't wait to go back.

I MISS YOU ALREADY TIFF! D:

You and your randomness.

Maybe if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back,

Push up my bra like that.

IShouldReallyBeStudyingNowButIAmBlogging.

2009-08-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

↔| Je ne voulais pas qu'il y aille. |

| She didn't want him to go |

but he did anyway.

http://enigmaticquibbles.blogspot.com

Summer's over!

Fall is on its way.

Winter is coming too.

Scott, did you forget our promise?

What happened to the Timmies-bearing Snowman pathway?

Don't you just love Rihanna's songs?

Her lyrics somewhat contradict the soothing melody.

Like Take A Bow;

That was quite a show,

Very entertaining.

But it's over now.

Go on and take a bow.

Sooooooo.

Biology, the ginormous presentation is in a month and the theme is..

"Nature Rocks!"

Yeah baby. We were grouped into groups of sixes and five. And guess whose group is the smallest? ;D And guess who is the group leader. x.x;

Lots of things to do, so little time! The media's coming. Some big big

BIGGGGG

fellas are coming. So little time, so much to do. D:

Papers: 2 down, 3 more to go.

Status: Dead.

P!ATD's new song.

New Perspective

I wanna live a life from a new perspective.
You come along because I love your face.
And I'll admire your expensive taste.
And who cares divine intervention?
I wanna be praised from a new perspective.

24/08/09; BigDay,Trials.

2009-08-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” - Dr Seuss

It's time to study, it's time to go!

But my laziness is saying no.

Again with the laziness. Trials is in a week!

Girl, you have your assignments to complete.

You have to catch up for being sick!

No more procrastinating, no more slacking,

Silly brain, start working!

“Wisdom is not a product of schooling

but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it” - Albert Einstein

Shhhhhhhh... it.

2009-08-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

Fuck you sore throat!

Selling/Giving away Daniel Lee [Malaysian Idol 2]'s autographed picture! ;D

Anyone?

08/09; 10th [Cry babies/gold diggers]

2009-08-10T02:13:00.000-07:00

Computer, computer, computer!

I'll cut your internet service soon! - Alicia Ang a.k.a. Mom.

I feel like dying. So crazy over my education.

Pharmacy course requires above TER 90 to enter, in Monash.

Psychology course requires TER 80.

I've been slacking a lot and I bet my TER won't go above 70, unless if I work harder now.

Feel like giving it all up and open a bakery, or maybe computer animation.

---

Today, Thoong Lyn and I went to Domino's to have lunch. While driving back to college, we were talking about irrational girls and their gold digging attitudes. What she told me was absolutely crazy. I can't believe that guy is so dumb. He gave up his education, money and time for a girl that spends his money on nonsense and cries whenever she doesn't get it her way. If I was that guy, I'd tell her "Baby, go look for another gold mine. I'm dumping you. Bye bye!". Then, I would laugh at her for crying and run away as fast as I can.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against cry babies. I am one myself, but when a 18 years old soon-to-be-woman cry because she can't find her boyfriend in the college and not being able to use his credit card because his father took it away is total bullshit.

If you want to buy lots of things, work for it.

Excuse the attitude. I believe in what my mom taught me. Sometimes, the things she says are unreasonable but most times, they are true. Mom said "Do not depend on other people's money, especially guys."

Why?

"Because when you shop, you will feel happy. But when he demands things, he will use the items bought as an excuse for them to force you to do things."

So, I rather not owe anyone money and enjoy my freedom! Besides, it'll be a burden to the guy anyway.

Question of the day:

"A son is a son until he finds a wife, but a daughter is a daughter forever."

Do you agree to this statement?

Eclipse peed on my jeans. Not just ANY part of my jeans. She just had to choose my crotch as her pee pee spot. When she was happily relieving herself, I felt something warm on my lap. Thinking that she was snuggling, I ignored her. The spot grew wetter and wetter, then it hit me, "ohmaigawd! I accidentally peed!" I exclaimed to myself. Then I looked down and there Eclipse was, in her oh-so-"cute" squat-to-pee position. Mom and Ivan laughed like crazy people when Aini smirked while muttering something sarcastic.

After coming back from food shopping, I discovered that Dream actually dragged out my shorts to the living room and I think she slept on it. As usual, she had an earful from me. This is the scenario:

*saw her shorts on the floor* Dream, you #$%^&*@! @#$%^&*()__)(*&^%@~!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*())

(*&^%$#@!~!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@#$%^&!

*whimpers and runs into the toilet*

---

I'm down with sore throat!

Countdown: 1 more day.

Lunch!

2009-08-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

What an interesting way to order!

Gone.

2009-08-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

Just came back from watching The Proposal with my brother and his girl.

The movie was hilarious and touching at parts. Sandra Bullock is supposed to be the mean Margeret Tate who is an editor. And Andrew Paxlov however, is a rich guy, working as Margeret's assistant. Everyone hates Margeret. She was about to be deported back to Canada because her visa expired. So, she blackmailed Andrew to marry her so that she can stay in America to keep her job. Slowly, she opened up to Andrew and eventually they fell in love with each other.

However, while we were getting some popcorns and drinks at the refreshment stand, we bumped into Ivan's friend. He asked Ivan to help him buy some food as the queues are long. I was standing behind Ivan, quite close to him, actually. His friend was standing beside him and his girl was at the other side.

His friend started to look at me all funny-like and muttered something to Ivan which looked like he was saying "Who the hell is that? Do you know her? Why the hell is she standing soooo close to you?" and Ivan simply replied "Oh, that's my sister."

I know, I am not the most fashionable, the talkative, the prettiest, the friendliest, the funniest, the most understanding person out there.

All I want is just to fit in.

I don't wear nice clothes because I feel insecure wearing them. I do, want to buy pretty dresses that I can flaunt in parties, wear heels that makes me super tall, talk about bags and make ups which I do apply, only in my bedroom. I don't talk much because I might offend whoever I'm talking to. Surprisingly, I'm more talkative with my family and people whom are close to me because I know they won't judge me. I am not always confident, I do get nervous whenever I sit for my examinations or when I have a presentation to do. Sometimes, I get the feeling of being used. Sometimes when I try to say things, I'd just be ignored. Then I would just shut the fuck up since no one wants to listen. This is one of the reasons why I rather stay back from school. It is unhealthy, I know, but drowning myself in the cyber world, creating an illusion for myself seems better in many ways. I don't want people to judge me for who they see outside, I don't want to be a tool nor do I want to be invisible.

"All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told;"

- William Shakespear (The Merchant of Venice, Act II, Scene VII)

Time, fly by.

2009-08-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched a video and wished that someone is yours?

Like a really hot guy or girl, just doing their thing in the vid,

or is it just me?

Lucky for me, that guy in the video..

Is mine.

"Don't touch it! ;D"

Transformers Pendant: Autobot.

I miss you.

I want to tell you to hurry up, come back as soon as possible

but that is a selfish thing to do as you did;

1. Alter your time to suit mine.

2. Wait for me everyday to be done with college, patiently.

3. Wasted all Summer long on me.

4. Didn't do much because you were too preoccupied "loving me", according to you.

5. Sacrificed too much.

Instead, it's my turn to do the same for you.

So have fun! I'll be here, waiting for you to come back, welcoming you home.

I love you,

I love you!

Happy 9th month and 15th dayniversary!

P/S: Pens, crayons and magik pens when you come back. Promise.

Pikachu Dansen!

2009-08-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Doodo doo-oo
Yeah-eah-eah-eah

Vi undrarar ni redo alt vara med
Armarna upp nu ska ni fa se
Kom igjen
Hvem som helst kan vara med
So ror pa era fotter
O-a-a-a!
Och vicka era hofter
O-la-la-la!
Gjör som vi
Till denna melodi

Oh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gjör som vi gjör
Ta nagrå steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Missa inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med
Caramelldansen!

O-o-oa-oa
O-o-oa-oa - ao
O-o-oa-oa
O-o-oa-oa - ao

Det blir en sensation over alt forstås
Pa fester kommer alla att slappa loss
Kom igjen
Nu tar vi stegen omigjen
O-o-oa

Så rør pa era fötter
O-a-a-a
Och vricka era höfter
O-la-la-la
Gor som vi
Til denna melodi

Så kom och
Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gjör so vi gjör
Tå några steg at vänster
Lyssna och lar
Miss inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med Caramelldansen!

Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gjör so vi gjör
Ta negra steg at vänster
Lyssna och lar
Miss inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med Caramelldansen!

O-o-oa-oa
O-o-oa-oa - ao
O-o-oa-oa
O-o-oa-oa - ao

Så kom och
Dansa med oss
Klappa era hander
Gjör so vi gjör
Tå några steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Miss inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med Caramelldansen!

Dansa med oss
Klappa era händer
Gjör so vi gjör
Ta några steg at vanster
Lyssna och lar
Miss inte chansen
Nu ar vi har med CaramellDansen!

Fuck my life.

2009-08-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

Tummy ache.

Run!

Relieve. :)

Sleep, tummy ache, wake up, run.

Repeat several times.

Missed my test.

FML.

5:45; 31st July 2009

2009-07-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'll get him hard,
Show him what I've got.

I'm up at 3 am on a dark Friday morning!
Why?
I slept at 8 p.m. the night before! I missed ANTM on teevee. ;-;
Just to be able to be awake now to complete my Chemistry assignment and to study a little for Maths test today. Augmentated matrix for the win. *rolls eyes*
Coffee is needed as I feeling sleepy now. It's so quiet and everyone is asleep.
Everyone.
Ivan, Aini, the dogs, Dream and Eclipse.

Ate some ramen and was on the phone with Terry.
Completed my assignment and currently, reading my Maths book.
How do you read a Maths book?! It doesn't make sense how studying = reading and memorising.
You can't memorise math equations. Maybe 1 + 1 = 2 but not :
[ 2 0 0 | 3] therefore 2x = 3, x= 3/2.
I want to go back to elementary school! Or even preschool! I want 1 + 1, 2 + 1 and to learn my ABC. No more complicated math equations, no more citations, no more complication formulas.
Say yes to pretending to be a princess, toys and fun!

Speaking of which, do you realise that we don't get scolded that much when we're younger?
Like when we're 1 to 4 years old because we're protected by our cuteness factor.
Rawr! *throws bottle on the floor* and mommy and daddy goes "Aww, so cute! You don't want some mwilk, huh?"
But!
When we're older, them parents go"Wtf you sick, unappreciative ****ard! Lick it up!"
Maybe it isn't like that but you get what I mean right?

Blog style = Everywhere.

&

I MISS KAR KEI!
I miss going to her house after school almost everyday, playing some games, watching her play the piano, learning new things from her. I'm claiming you back from Jeremy next year! *narrows eyes*
Been missing lots of people lately. ;o;

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet."

Gadoh!

2009-07-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

Location: College!

All I have is you
It is all that I'm breathing for.

We did an experiment in the Chemistry lab this morning! Esterification is the process of making esters (fragrances) by boiling alcohol and carboxylic acid. Ethyl ethanoate is supposed to smell like apple but ours smelled like.. some kind of glue. Biology was relatively the same.

Reminder: Presentation on Microbiology lab on Wednesday.
Office wear for the lose.

After that, we watched a movie called "Gadoh" during Psychology. Some people from KL came down to Penang to let us watch the movie which is mainly about racism and... Racism.

Synopsis
Gadoh tells a story of a group of teenagers who fought each other along racial lines; a cycle of hatred and violence further escalated by their environment and school system.

What was to be a quick resolution to improve the school’s bad image, was taken as an opportunity for one teacher who believed that real change was possible. She ropes in the help of an old friend and reluctant maverick theater activist for this arduous task.

Is there hope amidst the cycle of discrimination that surrounds us?

Took this from their website.

And that is the synopsis of Gadoh the movie.
It was an amazing movie which is totally relevant to what is happening not only in Malaysia, but everywhere in the world.

"We live in darkness but we're not blind. What's the difference between me and you? Is it skin color? Is it religion, believes, culture?! Then we rather be blindfolded than seeing things that are on the surface only."

A typical scene in almost every family in Malaysia. Not all, most.
What are we doing to stop this?

&

I miss Qistina. ;-;
Sigh.

I hate the chase
Just stop the clock cause you're so close now

Beach Boys

2009-07-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice?

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldn't it be nice?

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice?

The song says it all.

Well.

2009-07-23T06:14:00.000-07:00

Aaron, oh Aaron,
What are you going to do?

Funny how someone can get your information from Facebook.
Mr I-am-so-Great got my MSN add from.. yep.
Facebook.
Pfft.

Was surfing around Youtube for some new songs and I bumped into some rather old songs instead.
They're new to me, of course, because they are not famous here.
Who are they?
There For Tomorrow, baybeh.

The lead has Gerard Way's eyes.
My Gerard's eyes. x)

And I miss Aaron Carter!
Remember him?

He is Nick Carter's younger brother.
Yes, Nick Carter from Backstreet Boys.

Now, I want to..
Rant, rant and rant.
But I can't. I love you all lots.

Will blog soonish!

When your deadlines become my days and nights
I'll take all your favourite lines when you need it the most.

Pft.

2009-07-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Some people add you to get to know you.
Some add you because you know them.
And that very one, adds you to tell you "shut up and get a life, prick."

Then you tell that person you have a life and to fuck off.
You say you have more of a life than that person.
And that person, calls you rude.

He starts saying things about your race.
Saying unpleasant things about being Chinese.
You call him white, he calls you racist.

He keeps telling you how great he is.
You compliment him, saying he's nice.
He says you're full of shit.

First, I don't even know him, except from the conversation on Tiffany's blog.
Out of nowhere, he added me on MSN, saying shits like that. Looks up to himself, looks down on others. Trolling to entertain himself. Wants people to look up to him as well, wants people to respect him. Said that you are like your friends.

Guess what biatch?
I am not like my friends. Motherfucker. They are a part of me, but they are not me.
And I am not them. Not as a whole, at least.
Still, you made my day. Saying all those nonsensical things made me laugh out loud.
You know what you remind me of?
A broken, obnoxious radio.
or maybe a kind of idiotic rap song.

If you did give him my MSN, I have a surprise for you.
A big surprise.

20/7/2009 ; 36 hours of a birthday.

2009-07-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to my Naked Ninja, Terry!

The birthday boy;
HUUUUUUGE trampoline. ;-;

At the beach with Alex and some naked lady behind.
Happy belated birthday, Alex. :x (18/6/2009)

Something with shirt on. x)

He cut his hair recently.

and yeah! It starts at 12 am on our Monday and ends at 11.59 am on Tuesday (which is his 11.59 pm, Monday)! 36 hours of a birthday.

Happpppy Birthdayyyy! <3 PARTAY!
ily!

Bon Odori!

2009-07-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Yoooooooooooooooooooh!
*drums and some clicky thingy*

Yes! Bon Odori! Can you believe it, after all these years being a Penangite, I have never ever been to Bon Odori? Not even when they held one in Shah Alam, Selangor which was roughly 15 minutes drive from my house. So yesterday was my first time there! And I was disappointed a little. Ivan told me not to think of it like what we saw in animes but to think of it as a more cultural show.
(In animes they have stalls set up and stuffs like that)

Why it didn't work out for me;
1. There were a lot of lala muis and lala zais (in other words, fashion victims/wannabes) dressing up in gothic lolita clothing, clothes that expose most of their skin, covering only the necessary. People, this is a festival to honor the dead. Show some respect.
2. There were other unrelated stalls like.. Pizza stall/Chinese food stalls/fried chicken stall. Was expecting more Japanese food stalls. What would you expect? It's Bon Odori.
3. They kept repeating their dance. 2 japanese songs, Rasa Sayang and some malay song. MALAY SONGS?!

Saw Janice, Venne, Chantana and Gregson there. Too bad Rachel went to meet her friends. Ivan went away with his girlfriend and mom and I was standing at the field, watching the dance.
Something peculiar happened though. While they were dancing, mom took a picture of the stage. The stage is elevated, with lanterns hanging above it. Just a row of lanterns going around. However, in the picture, it appears to be all over the stage, all neon colored. So mom said "Hey von! Look at this! Why is it so blotchy?"
I looked at it then I laughed. "Maybe there are ghosts in the area. And you captured the picture." And she deleted the picture immediately. So no picture for you readers. D;

There were fireworks after that. When it was 9 59, they started counting down and people rushed towards the opposite direction as we were walking towards the stall from the field. We turned around, looked up and watched the fireworks. Everyone around us went
"Wowwwwwww~ Wooooooooowwwwww!" ;o!
And I laughed. At them. >.>
Loudly.
It's not my fault that their reaction is funny to me! Dx I mean everytime it goes BOOOOOOM~ their "Wooooooooooooooow" reaction is sure to follow afterwards and they remind me of Finding Nemo's birds that goes "Miiiiiine!"

After the fireworks, we got Takoyaki! I convinced mom to get one too because it's deliciousss!
While nomming, we walked towards the beach, enjoying the sea breeze (not much of a breeze, there were a lot of people there.) and to gossip a little. There were three girls, with mushroom like hair, all in black halter tops and extremely lacey, poofy, can-can like skirts. I started laughing again, telling mom "MOM! LOOK! Fashion Disaster Triplets~" and when we got closer, they facial features are different. And mom laughed at them too, calling them disrespectful. :x We sat at the sidewalk, waiting for Ivan, eating the takoyaki. Mom didn't touch hers as I nommed happily. ;-; What a waste! Then I got her share of takoyaki and it is in the fridge now.
x)

So afterall, it wasn't so bad of an event. Definitely not what I expected.
NO GOLDFISH! ;o;
But it was good. :3 And oh. no pictures.
Til next time!

xoxo, von.

100 tooths!

2009-07-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Lora

001. Real name: Evon Low Mei Wei
002. Nickname(s): Von, baby, wubby, girl, Oi!, pikachu. XD
003. Age: 17
004. Horoscope: Virgo
005. Male or Female: Female
006. Elementary: SK Seafield 3
007. Middle School: SMK USJ 13 / SMK Convent Green Lane
008. High School: Green Lane too? x)
009. College school: Disted!
010. Hair colour: Dark brown
011. Long or short: Long? Short? Long.
012. Loud or Quiet: Loud, most times.
013. Sweats or Jeans: Jeans, definitely.
014. Phone or Camera: Phone with camera. ;3
015. Health freak: Never!
016. Drink or Smoke: I drink occasionally.
017. Do you have a crush on someone: Maybe. But it isn't just a crush~
018. Eat or Drink: Drink!
019. Piercings: Two. Wants more.
020. Tattoos: None, wants one!
021. Social or Anti-Social: Depends my mood.
022. Right or Left: Right
023. First piercing: 4 years old.
024. First relationship: When I was a kid! xDDDD My very "first" husband.
025. First Best Friend: Dad. Electra complex. Mom was my enemy. :x
026. First Award: Kindy/ Preschool!
027. First Kiss: Mommy and Daddy.
028. First Pet: A German Shepard, Samantha. She gave birth to several puppies.
029. First Big Vacation: Thailand? That's what dad says.
030. First Love at First Sight: Lol! William.
031. First Big Birthday: 1 year old birthday bash! I kicked my cake! ;o
032. First Surgery: Nothing major, the doctor fixed my dislocated knee. :x
033. First sport you joined: Football / Soccer with the neighbourhood kids!
034. Orange or Apple Juice: Orangey~
035. Rock or Rap: Rock!
036. Country or Scream: Screamo.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: NSYNC
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: Christina Spears. ;3
039. Night or Day: Night.
040. Sun or Moon: Moon.
041. TV or Internet: Internet.
042. PlayStation or xbox: Play Station 3! Kingdom Hearts + internet = win
043. Kiss or hug: Hugs~
044. Iguana or turtle: Snake!
045. Spider or bee: Mmm.. Spider.
046. Fall or spring: Autumn
047. Limewire or iTunes: Ares.
048. Soccer or baseball: Soccer!
049. Eating: Food.
050. Drinking: Drinks.
051. Excitement level: Very high, is hyper active with high pitched voice. ;o
052. I'm about to: Sleep. (Forced to)
053. Listening to: The teevee, the fan, the Ivan.
054. Plan for today: Study and to do my Social Relevance Essay, which didn't happen.
055. Waiting for: Some things that my dad owes me. All imaginary.
056. Energy level: High!
057. Thinking of someone: Always! x3
058. Want kids: Probably. D:
059. Want to get married: Yuh.
060. When: In less than 10 years.
061. How many kids do you want: Two soccer teams. ;3
062. Any name in mind: Mhm.
063. What did you want to be when you were little: Fashion designer.
064. Careers in mind: Child psychologist, pharmacist, or something to do with designing.
065. Mellow future or wild: WILD!
066. Something you would never try: 2 girls 1 cup. Yuck.
067. When do you want to die: Whenever.

Which is better in the boy/girl you like (in the future)?
068. Lips or Eyes: Eyes.
069. Romantic or Funny: Funny
070. Shorter or Taller: Taller. Way taller.
071. Protective or Caring: Caring.
072. Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous.
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms: Nice arms. To cling on. XD
074. Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive.
075. Hooked-up or Relationship: Relationship!
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant: Trouble maker. ;3
077. Muscular or Normal: Semi muscular / normal.

078. Kissed a stranger: Spin the bottle ftw? x3
079. Broken a bone: Umm... no.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: Nope.
081. Ran away from home: Wanted to.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense: I have my claws. >;3
083. Killed somebody: A colony of ants? ;-;
084. Broken someone's heart: Yes. Had to.
085. Had your heart broken: All the time.
086. Been arrested: Nope!
087. Cried when someone died: No one died. :x
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: Mhm.
089. Yourself: I kick ass. xP
090. Miracles: Probably
091. Love at first sight: Yeah, but it doesn't really work, does it?
092. Heaven: Nope.
093. Santa Claus: If he's on a Unicorn, yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 5 people

Tag:
Whoever that's bored and have nothing to do. x3

PlushiesCuddlesHardworkTears

2009-07-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

Hey people!

Introducing;
Lynxz's Homema de Crafts!

Lyn is one of my closest friend ever.
Currently, she's fighting off that nasty leukemia while making homemade stuffs.
Click the link above and support her please!
The prices are reasonable and these plushies are extremely adorable!

***

Nothing much happened today.

I want to dye my hair! Like this
picture:

No, not the poofiness! The green in her hair! Do you see it? ;3
But mine is going to be baby blue~
Like the blue in this other picture!

But I have to wait for my hair to grow longer. Another 6 months to go, hopefully!

Time to work hard!
It's like a competition between my personalities.
The Lazy vs The I-want-to-work-hard-and-achieve-greatness,
who will win?!
Laziness was dominating the competition the last few weeks but the other side is currently fighting back.

The pendants finally arrived!
will post the picture soonish.

I don't have any idea on what to write anymore. :x
I promise that I will, definitely, post something with substance next time.

xoxo.

'Ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!

2009-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Hi people!
Blog has been dead for a few weeks now. Fear not, von's back!

So many things happened in the past month!
Our favourite back-walking, heart-stopping, crotch-grabbing superstar,
Michael Jackson
is gone due to cardiac arrest.
Or from Diprivan, an extremely strong sleeping med.
OR from the pain killers he had been taking.
ORRRRR from the jabs his personal physician gave him.

Rest in peace.
You're not alone.

On the same day, one of the original Charlie's Angels passed on too.
MJ stole her spotlight. :x

I'm into a new game called Dragonica.
Kylan is level 24, going 25.
And I am the extremely easy class, the Jester!

Going to have a scene photo shoot with my lovely darling,
Rachel Ooi
We've not fix the date yet, but we'll definitely be rocking it.
I can't wait at all! Will post it up here when it's done, I guess.
This amateur is ready to snap away.

And...

Last Friday, I received a weird phone call. That guy sounded like an Indian guy and he was saying that he's doing a survey for a female magazine in Malaysia, Her World. A part of me says that it is a scam, another, says maybe this poor guy needs help. So yeah, I talked to him.
Initially, he was asking me some innocent questions like what do you wear for formal occasions, what do you think is casual wear, stuffs like that. Then, he asked me about my most outrageous experiences, which I lied about, obviously. He asked what's the most daring things I have ever worn to several occasions, what I've seen on others that I find daring. Then, that guy asked went on having a sex survey. >.>
I kept emphasizing that I have a boyfriend
and that I did it with him, stuff and stuff. Then he forced me to ask him some kind of question.
I gave up and asked him "What's your size?" I meant his clothing size. And he went like "Kay, judge my voice, what kind of ethnicity do you think I am?" And no doubt, he's Indian. So I said "Indian?" without caring much. And he said that I am wrong. Then he said that he's Indian/Australian mix. Then he asked me "Soft or hard?" I was totally lost when he said this. (Was watching Ugly Betty) And I stupidly said "Uhh, both?"
"I am six inches soft and eight and three quarter inches, hard. So now, since you've been talking about this with me, are there any bodily changes on you? Do you think I'm hard?"
*made the sweat face*
"No, and maybe. How should I know?"
"Try to guess how hard I am, like what percentage."
"A hundred?"
And he replied no. Then I asked him 75? And he said, I am a hundred percent hard. And he asked me what he should do about it. Should he masturbate in god knows where he is or let it go naturally. And I quickly replied, "Let it go naturally, I have to go now." and I slammed down the phone.

I told Terry about this and he went all moody and stuff. D:
"You should've just hung up." which initially was..
"Lol, he's just conducting a survey!"

And not too long ago, someone called the phone again.
"HELLOOOOOOOO!"
I greeted cheerfully, thinking that it was my mom.
Anddddd guess who called. ;3
Mr Indian/Aussie mix called again, this time from a teenage magazine.
"Hi, is this 8xxxxx7? I am calling from a teenage magazine."
*silence, trying to recall that voice*
"Hello? Hello?"
*>.> hangs up*

The funny thing is, the phone rang again after some time.
"Hello? Are you there?" and it was mom!
"MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY! That weird guy called again!"
And I usually QQ when she calls.
She laughed at me, asking me to be careful and stuff.
She LAUGHED when a guy is actually fapping to my voice and my lies!
Oh god. *facepalms*

*blows kisses* Out.

von's prom shoes, weirdly shaped feet. ;3
Hearts all over the world tonight.

EwwToob.

2009-06-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

We will make it through the night

Don't want to wake up in this state.

YouTube STAR!
HappySlip's mother calls this YouChoob.
Maybe I've been on Youtube too much recently. And I should totally be studying for my mid term now..
BUT WHAT THE HELL! ~

I've been watching ShaneDawson, MitchellDavis, KevJumba, Nigahiga, HappySlip and! an occasional Shananay! (Shananay is actually Shane Dawson, with disastrous make up and he's in a super funky wig.) They make like awesomely funny videos like, ShaneDawson for example.

ShaneDawson is my new idol.
My cousin is still my idol, of course.
So recently, I was just slacking around, got tired of studying. I was surfing Youtube for some entertainment and ShaneDawson's video was catagorized as the most watch video. The title was weird. Of course you are all awared that Father's Day is coming right up this Sunday, right? His video was about that special day but the thing is, his father isn't really there. Hence, the title "Happy Father(less) Day!"
Initially, he was talking about how some people don't have fathers to celebrate with on this very day. He did a few examples on how his mother replaced his father and teaching him a few living skills like shaving, fixing a wobbly chair, how to play sports, how to defend himself and helped him when he had girl problems. Then, he asked the fatherless people to thank whoever that brought them up instead. And when he was saying this, he began to cry! At that moment I was:
;o;
Yes, I cried too. Then I spent the rest of the day watching his other videos, laughing all the way.

This is Shane Dawson!

And this is Shane Dawson, two years ago, I think.

He lost 150 lbs in a year or so. That's like 60+ kg.
He does look a little like Joe Jonas. In the first picture, of course. And in the second picture, he looks reallllllllly happy, doesn't he? XD
And the best part is..
HE IS S.A.D.!~
Which spells out,

Single
Available
and I don't think he is
Desperate.

Why am I talking about him? I just want to waste your time. ;D
Kidding. I was actually inspired by him and the others to actually make Youtube vids/vlogs when I'm free. I want to be able to make people's days, making them laugh with my lame jokes and my imperfection. Hate mails, sure. Bring it on. It's not like I expect everybody to love me. (Well, I do. But you get what I mean right? So what if they hate me?)

So if I were to be a Youtuber, I think my genre will be comedy mix some kind of lame thing I'd do/speed drawing. Then, I will kill millions of people by singing on YouTube and Operation World Domination will be conducted. Bwahaha!

The thing is, if you are going to be a YouTuber, what kind of vids will you post? What will you do in the video? How will you make sure that your videos get out there to the people of the Internet?

Submit your comments in the tagboard on the left!

Love,
von

A warm heartfelt embrace,
Now all we need is love.

Vintage

2009-06-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's just a feeling that
I don't want to be forgotten.My Chemical Romance concert ticket, right in front of the stage.
9th December 2007

O,
The most annoying key on my keyboard ever.

Wow, people. Have you realized how hot it is recently?
"Yeah, so? It's always hot in Malaysia."
Wrong. There's not much rain now and it's hazy anddddd!
It's effen hot~ ;o;
Yep! El Nino hitting Malaysia again!
It's like...
Hot, hot, hot!

Mom called for the millionth time today. (Not really.)
She asked me to watch Meet the Fockers, and when she was about to hang up,
she said "Happy Focker!"
Seems harmless, try pronouncing it.
"Happy fucker."
Inorite? ;D My mom is awesome.
There were even times when she had "Sex Talk" with both my brother and I,
she didn't say "Don't do it until you get married."
She said
"Don't forget to use a condom."
Both my brother and I were staring at her with our eyes wide open.
O____O
After a long pause, she said "What? You have to use it to protect your future. Don't give me that look. It's for your own good."

Til next time~
von

PersonalityAttitudeBehaviourCognition

2009-06-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Took some personality test out of boredom from Tiffany's page and, this is the result!
The personality of yours truly.

Spontaneous Idealist

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. (This isn't true, I'm lost most of the time.) In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities.

If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

Adjectives which describe your type: spontaneous, enthusiastic, idealistic, extroverted, theoretical, emotional, relaxed, friendly, optimistic, charming, helpful, independent, individualistic, creative, dynamic, lively, humorous, full of zest for life, imaginative, changeable, adaptable, loyal, sensitive, inspiring, sociable, communicative, erratic, curious, open, vulnerable

It's kind of true. ;3
Anyway, if you want to try it out, here's the link to it.

Click me just for kicks and the lols.

Lost!

2009-06-09T19:06:00.001-07:00

I fucking lost the ring that mom gave! Dammit.
It was a sapphire ring that looks like..

(Will upload later.)

I think I lost it in the library.
If you see it somewhere, somehow,
Please return it to me? D;
I'll reward you!

DesperationHopeDespairHappiness

2009-06-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes,
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch, I would know.

Wait
Totally fucking frustrating.

KL WAS FUN!
Besides the bus breaking down in the middle of nowhere for three hours.
Pyramid 2 was simply puzzling.
I love the Asian Avenue!
Met up with HuiYee and Tiffy on saturday, but the others couldn't make it.
We played snooker for a bit, actually ended up catching up with them,
and rolled the balls into the holes. Doesn't sound right, but that happened.
Tiffy and YeeYee navigate through Pyramid 2 like a pro!
We took some sticker photos like we used to.

We went to One Utama after wards, not Pavilion though because mom wanted to treat
us to this delicious Japanese restaurant called Sushi Zanmai. Will upload pics later.

The next day, we went to Times Square to get some KrispyKreme.
Definition: New doughnut cafe.
Since we have a little more time before we depart, we walked around for a little.
My! Times Square changed a lot.
I remember how the stores were empty, how most of them are closed, but there are a lot of people there now and there was this gothic shop called i-Socks, the clothes in there were just adorable.

Just realised;
1. How annoying desperate people are.
2. Life's a bitch.
3. Waiting is really making me pissed. It's been 3 hours now.
4. How fucked people are.
5. How annoying it is when people sends you different kinds of messages when you're trying to forget about them, then ignores you completely when you care. Like what the fuck are you trying to say?

Trying to figure out what to do to my hair.
[x] Highlight it blue
or
[x] Cut it short

Decisions~
Leave your opinion in the box on the left! :3

Hershey Cookies and Cream by:
KrispyKreme, new doughnut shoppe in Times Square.
Not sharing it with you! ;D
<3>

I will tell you that I love you, kiss and hug you
'Cause I'm bluffing with my muffin.

18CandlesOnYourCake,CakesMakePeopleHappy

2009-06-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Near, far, where ever you are.

Now I'm speechless, over the edge, just breathless.

Girl, you are officially.. LEGAL!
Happy birthday, darling!

Sexy legs. owo;
You boys out there; *does the i'm-watching-you sign*

And Tiffany!
My bubbly coke-addict bestf.
And a bunch of people out there. :D

I see trees of Green, Red roses too.
I see them bloom, for me and you.

ScreamShoutAndTellEverybodyThatYouAreGoingToLeave

2009-06-01T05:29:00.000-07:00

So happy together.

How is the weather?

Cookies
brown, round, delicious. Usually go with milk or cream.

First off,
Ivan, you know what?
You don't even have college on Thursdays, yet, you're trying to
keep the car all to yourself. SERIOUSLY.
Mom said we're supposed to share the car and classes are from 8-9, 2-3.
I can take the car in the morning, that's because you're still asleep.
But not in the afternoon, because you have to fetch your girlfriend around?
So much for having to do college stuffs.
It's not like I'm using it to go out with my friends.
Yeah, and you have grandfather to fetch you around.
says you.
Do you know how much he complains about the time?
How he gets irritated by the heat? I guess you can't be bothered
because you're not the one that has to face the music.

Next, it's that time of the month, the end of the cycle.
And god, it hurts like nothing before. The pain started on Thursday.
And I am still having the pain.

I just realised, mom blames me for what other people did.
Maybe it's because of my sloppiness.
Like there was once, the maid forgot to put the toothpaste back to where it was,
mom went "VON! Why didn't you put the toothpaste back to where it was?!"
And, I'd give her a puzzled look, with a "What toothpaste?" as I recall that I
did, in fact, put it back.
"This thing that you use to brush your teeth with?" she answered sarcastically.
"I did put it back. Ask Aini." and she did. She started scolding Aini instead.
Then, a few days ago, mom came back. There was a pad rotting in the mini rubbish
bin in the bathroom. "VON! Why didn't you wrap your pad up before disposing them?"
When it comes to pads, I wrap do them up. Every. Single. Time. Because, I hate the smell of blood. Besides, I was having period pain but it isn't the time of the month yet.
"Wha..?" "Your pad. In the bin. It stinks. Make sure you wrap it up next time." "I do, and that's not mine. I don't have it yet." It turns out to be my brother's girlfriend's.
Lol. FML.

Whoa girl~ Rant much!
Have an OJ cube~

And baby, I miss you lots.
You're probably sleeping, or maybe you're awake.

I need new ideas.
New camera.
Til next time,

von

I like that boom boom pow
Them chicken jackin my style

Money

2009-05-27T01:57:00.000-07:00

Go to sleep and dream of me tonight.
Everything may not be perfect but at least we try.

Money,
The universal language without using verbal cues, understandable without any barriers whatsoever.

Funny, how the world revolves around money. As some of you readers know, my parents were divorced since I was five years old. True, there are benefits from this. For example, I get more allowance, more gifts and I'm kind of spared from having to listen to them quarrel. However, as their children, my brother and I have to be their messengers. We are 20 and 18 years old respectively and we are still delivering their messages, telling the other party what this party have to say. We get double the lecture sessions. And, we cannot have our own opinion.

How does money get into this issue? Simple. With my dad, it's all about money. His calculative personality is a dead serious turn off. Mom called me this afternoon when we were having lunch.

Mom ; Me

Hey girl, can you talk?
Yeah. We're just eating. What's up?
Kay, I have to talk to you.
What's that?
I've just talked to your dad. He told me that he sold the bike already and said that he will give me back the money, after taking out the money for the repairs of the bike's battery and the brake pad. He is going to take RM50 out for the groceries as well.
Last Saturday, I had to do some marketing because we ran out of food. Mom went to KL and my brother, the maid and I were left back in Penang.
What?! He's charging you for our food?! Does he even treat us as his kids? That's insane!
Yeah and I told him to keep the money to pay for the down payment of your car. Guess what did he say.
What?
He said that there's no need to buy a car. And that you're going to KL soon, therefore, you don't need a car. I told him you need the car even more when you're in KL and he kept quiet.

And I snapped.

So we're not his kids?
He feels the burden to pay for our food?
He can buy a new house and a new car for his wife and not an OLD car for me?
He can bring his wife on tours to China, Korea every year and not pay RM50 for his children to eat for the WHOLE week?
He even charged mom for the broken brake pad and battery when he's the one that used the bike most.
HE CLAIMED THAT HE BOUGHT IVAN'S CAR WHEN HE WOULDN'T PAY A SHIT'S WORTH FOR THE FUCKING CAR. MOM PAID FOR EVERYTHING. MOM WAS THE ONE THAT BROUGHT US FOR TRIPS TO OTHER PLACES.
HE PROMISED ME FOR A HONG KONG TRIP IF I SCORE WELL AS A KID.
WELL, it's been TEN FUCKING YEARS and I've not even been anywhere outside of Penang with him.

He always promise things. Always. The times he fulfilled all of them? 2.
Once when I was really young and I asked for a huge soft toy.
And another time when I scored for PMR.
He promised he'll get me anything if I do relatively well for SPM.
I delivered and he didn't. Again.
I give up.

(Too pissed for a song.)

EntryFortheLost,ConfusedandaToastToAllProcrastinators.

2009-05-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

Choral Speaking, 07

Maybe I need this,
But I know I don't, I need you.
No sense of direction, slacker, procrastinator.
Those are the words that fits yours truly. College is hectic,
not because of the teachers have been giving us mountains of
assignments, BUT! I've been putting off my assignments everyday.

Daily routine;
Come back from college, online.
Occasionally skips classes, online.
Wake up as early as 3 in the morning, online.

My life and my mother's 12k is going down the drain if I don't do something immediately.
Frustrated, crazy, uptight, angry, bubbly, depressed.

Making a vow to myself.
To work hard, for mom and dad.
For our future and our soccer teams.

Yikes.

Kick off your shoes and
Dance with me.

Asphyxiation

2009-04-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

They were saying
Come down to Lake Pontchartrain.
come back, why the hell would they leave the car?!

"Baby, who is this..? Why is he holding your hand?" Terry questioned. I pulled my hand back from the other guy, staring at him because I don't even know him. Somehow, I felt something for him. I opened my mouth, trying to defend myself but I couldn't make a sound. Breathing in deeply, I muttered "Things are not how they look like. Please, baby, please. Let me explain myself.." "Shut the fuck up, I don't need to listen to the bunch of shits and lies you're going to tell me. I don't need another rainbow-colored, cotton candy story from you, again!" He turned around and walked away without turning back. Never ever, coming back. My knees felt like jelly. I dropped down, staring at nothingness and every single bit of me hoped that he will come back and shout "I've got you!" while laughing at my intense reaction. Minutes passed by, nothing. Nothing at all. Not even his silhouette.

Feeling disgusted of myself, I went back home only to find that my mom was there, looking furious and she scowled at me. I approached her, asking how did her day go. Instead of telling me her problems like she usually does, she screamed "I know you fucking slept with that doctor who is you're father's friend! He has a wife and kids for fuck's sake. You're such a hoe! What are you thinking?!" "But mom, I didn't.." She pulled my arm, into my bedroom without taking a moment to listen to me. "Fucking pack your stuffs up already. I'm bringing you to him and we'll talk. His wife knows about this already. She is going to be there too." "Mom, I didn't do it! I swear! I was with another guy." "ANOTHER GUY?! WHAT IS TERRY GOING TO SAY ABOUT THIS WHEN HE FINDS OUT, HUH? WHAT HAVE I TAUGHT YOU? TO BE A WHORE?!" "But you know I'd never go for older guys. Besides, I've told you before. I'll never go for married men. They won't divorce their wives for me. Silly, ignorant old me." I reminded her again. "So, mom, please, be more rational. I'll never go for the doctor.." She ignored me. When we reached our destination, I could hear the hatred in Mom's voice. "Get out."

I got out and saw the doctor's apartment. "Get in there and get it over with." She walked off in the opposite direction. Feeling uncertain, I began to follow her closely behind. She began to walk faster, weaving her way through the crowd of people in the mall. The crowd acted like a barrier between my mom and I, preventing me from catching up. "Excuse me! Excuse me!" I was going crazy. First Terry, now Mom. In the end, I couldn't see mom anymore. I wandered around the mall, feeling rejected, lonely and depressed. I got to the concourse area to find that they're having an event. The policemen were sitting in a row at the table, signing things for the crowd. Must be some superstars dressed in police uniforms, I thought. From the corner of my eyes, I could see two guys following me. Initially, I was pretending not to notice them. I walked around the concourse area, checking out the posters, and everywhere I went, they were right behind me, whispering to each other. Oh crap! I began to panic.

Walking out of the concourse, I saw them tailing me closely behind. Agitated, I turned around and snapped at them. "LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU? GEEZ." "What? We weren't following you, silly." "I saw you! In the exhibition hall! You were following.. The both of you." They looked at each other, as if they were saying that it is time. My muscles became tense and I ran away from them before they notice it. This will give me a head start, at least. Terry, where are you? I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have done what I did. Please forgive me. Those were the words I will never be able to even whisper after this. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I repeated this over and over again in my head. "Run all you want. Missy! When we get you, I'll chop your legs off! You're lucky that I've not broken your legs yet!" I made a turn into the elevator/toilet area to find out that the emergency exit was locked. The place was dark as there wasn't any light. While shaking the exit door as hard as I can, I heard footsteps. Step, step, step. Someone screamed. I peeked out from my darkness, just to see that one of the guys that were following me was holding the girl back by grabbing a handful of her hair, and his other arm wrapped around her tightly to prevent her from trashing. They were joined by another guy, big and bald with tattoos on his arms. "Scream all you want, babe. Nobody will hear you. Adam, her legs." The shorter guy held her legs to the ground, licking his way up to her thighs. "No! Let me go! Let me go!" "Too bad these pretty things are going to be dismembered. So soft, so smooth." the guy named Adam crooned.

The bald guy began caressing her face, biting hard on her neck. "That, will be my mark on you. The police won't find your body, your family will never know you've disappeared." he snickered. I could've ended up like her if I didn't run. And now, because of me, she's in trouble. I'm sorry, baby. I have to do this. I know you hate now, but I love you..
"Fucking stop it already."

*****

Andddddd... I woke up. I was actually crying in my sleep. This has been happening for quite a while now. I guess I just don't want to feel lonely..? It's like people are surrounding me, but it still feels cold and empty.

P.S. My book's overdued. AGAIN!
Your future Sadako, vivid dreamer.

One more month is all I need,
Is a sign from you that you think of me
And if you don't, please just say so.